WASHINGTON, DC – Last week, Congress came together to pass something, overcoming partisan politics in a unanimous vote to “help struggling congress members.” Provisions in the Stop Trading on Congressional Knowledge (STOCK) Act that would have helped prevent lawmakers and government officials from insider trading on stocks was repealed in 10 seconds in the Senate, [...]
WASHINGTON- After reviewing the countless tax dollars wasted on passing oppressive laws only to have them later ruled unconstitutional, the Supreme Court has deemed the current legal system an unconscionable waste of time. To simplify matters, they’ve interpreted a key point in the Preamble to the Constitution as a rule of thumb. “Everybody has the [...]
WASHINGTON- @JBoehner called an emergency twitter hashtag immediately after @McCain tweeted a joke wherein Iranian leader @MahmoudAhmadinejad was compared to a monkey. The joke sparked accusations of #racism from fellow Republican and the tweet “Ask @CindyMcCain how she liked my banana” from @MahmoudAhmadinejad. At which point @McCain tweeted “@GOP Funny, didn’t see no complaining when racists were [...]
WASHINGTON - The Senate passed a bill last Thursday that extended the government’s ability to borrow money through mid-May. Elated by the news, the Senate celebrated the extra borrowing time by ordering everyone a round of tequila shots and charging it to their open tab, totally promising to pay it off before May. Still in a [...]
By Dale C. Anthony New York- Class War reinactors on Wall Street to create a romanticized portrayal of the historic Occupy movement. No mildly schizoid conspiracy theorists, opportunistic singer/song-writers, or bonefide crazies were represented among the peaceful gathering of people portraying well-informed working-class workers and students petitioning the government for a series of well-defined demands. [...]
By Kersten Haile WASHINGTON— 2013’s Primetime season kicked off this January, void of America’s favorite folks from The Jersey Shore, causing avid reality watchers to suffer from, what TV analysts report as Jersey Pains. In hopes of filling this void MSNBC announced last week it will be providing network watchers with a new reality series: [...]
by Dale C. Anthony Washington- Many activists are calling it “the most egregious self-deportation policy imaginable”, yet Senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas) has sponsored the bill to consolidate all hispanic restaurant, grocery, and foodstuffs-related businesses into Taco Bell franchise companies. The freshman Senator of hispanic decent argued that “the over-abundance of even remotely authentic home-style cuisine [...]
By J.S.Garner WASHINGTON – Wayne LaPierre, executive vice-president of the NRA has called on Congress to act immediately after shooting himself in the foot while cleaning his AR-15 at his DC residence on Thursday. He explained his plan today at a hastily prepared press conference which includes teaming all gun owners with an armed safety [...]
By Rachel Kolman While the nation’s capitol was busy sweating over the fiscal cliff negotiations last week, state legislatures passed 400 new laws because they “felt like it” and also “no one is paying attention to us right now.” Several of the new laws include: 1. Prison workers are now prohibited from having sex with [...]
By Joe “The Nerd” Ferraro WASHINGTON — Due to the flap in the House of Representatives over the lack of women and minorities in Committee Chair positions, the following Congresspeople will be undergoing sex change operations. Budget – Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) A spokesperson for the former VP Candidate stated that, “Hell – he was [...]
By Cy Guevara WASHINGTON — Senators from both sides of the aisle finally joined today over a warm bonfire, making s’mores and telling ghost stories over the antiquated parchments and laws that made up the blaze. To conserve space in government libraries and across bookshelves everywhere, lawmakers collected all the laws they had deemed illegal [...]
By Steve Tobiasz WASHINGTON – The anti-bullying group STOP IT! [Lispy] announced plans on Tuesday to launch a new campaign against bullying. Known for speaking out against bullying back in 2007, STOP IT! is ready to launch their second campaign this time with a different message. “We wanted to change the tone of our new [...]
By James Shea WASHINGTON– Congress formally announced this morning that it had been diagnosed with clinical depression sometime last week. While the legislature was visibly distressed, they were “finally relieved” to have an answer to explain frequent mood swings, social withdrawal, decreased enjoyment in arguing, and severe weight gain. “It’s hard for us to pinpoint [...]
By William Celloutte WASHINGTON –In a press statement released today, the Office of the Senate Sergeant at Arms made public a report it had conducted on the Senate Suggestion Box Program. This report outlined the contents of the suggestion and box and made several controversial recommendations for the future of the program. According to the [...]
By Peter Coburn WASHINGTON—When the new surge of freshmen congressmen came to Capitol Hill, they created notable friction with the established Democrats and Republicans. The recent collapse of the Federal credit rating is now being blamed on the freshmen tea party members’ lack of compromise; action has been taken to ensure the same mistake will [...]
By Steve Tobiasz WASHINGTON — CSPAN, the premier channel that broadcasts live congressional hearings and receives notoriously low ratings, saw a remarkable change in their numbers this past week. Thanks to Congress being on its summer hiatus, CSPAN has continued its live broadcasts inside the Senate and House floors with increased popularity. These gains were the highest [...]
By Chris McKerracher WASHINGTON — Senate Majority Leader Harry N. Reid has launched an attack on Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney, for his failure to release his tax records. By using a sophisticated iPad “app” called “Speculation Generator” (Zynga Games, $0.99 through iTunes) the Democratic stalwart shared the results. “It says here that the Republican candidate for the [...]
By S. G. Lawrence BOSTON—After revealing Democratic Senate Candidate Elizabeth Warren’s attendance last week at the Cambridge-based meeting of Affirmative Action Abusers Anonymous meeting, The Washington Fancy learned that the Harvard Law professor’s female book group recently placed Jim Fergus’s bestselling novel One Thousand White Women: The Journals of May Dodd at the top of [...]
By Douglas Timothy BOSTON — Elizabeth Warren’s Senate campaign hit a serious snag over the past week with revelations that her Native American roots consist of a great-great-great-grandmother who was Cherokee. What would normally be considered a forgivable gaffe was compounded when it turned out that her 1/32 Cherokee status may have played a role in [...]
By Jahs WASHINGTON — In an effort to raise money for more government programs, Congress revised the Antiquities Act of 1906 to allow government agencies to contract the naming rights of national monuments for a fee. National monuments and government buildings are now treated like professional sports franchises and will be named accordingly. Now, wealthy [...]
By Jahs WASHINGTON — In lieu of Democratic rhetoric and the media deeming Republicans at war with women, females have abstained from sex with conservative representatives, talk-show hosts, and satire writers. Polls show women are winning this war. With the declaration of a ceasefire for conjugal visits by the House leadership, everyone is now free to vote [...]
By: Peter Coburn HARRISBURG—The Pennsylvania Voter ID controversy reached a new level on March 15th, when Governor Scott Corbett signed the Voter ID requirement into law. The new law will require that all voters carry a photo ID when they vote. Following this precedent, new ID laws are being passed. “This is only the first step,” [...]
“I couldn’t even control myself. A 50% salary increase made me want to give Mitch McConnell a huge hug. And I think I even let him pinch my bottom, too.” – Harry Reid By Chris Todd WASHINGTON—Democrats and Republicans have been deadlocked recently on many issues ranging from debt limits to healthcare reform. However, just [...]
By Thomas Moore III Chairman Reince Priebus (WI): Okay, any unfinished business? Orrin Hatch (Utah): I’m sorry, Mr. Chairman, I’m still a little thrown off by your name. I don’t know how to say it, and I’m not sure where it came from. Priebus: It’s Reince. I’ve explained this like ten times. I even staged [...]
By Andrew Bryant WASHINGTON – The mustache may have finally found its way back into American politics this week after the ‘Stache Act garnered nationwide coverage and sparked a Congressional mustache montage of sorts. On Tuesday, the ‘Stache Act proposal was forwarded to the House Ways & Means Committee and contained a yearly tax deduction [...]
By Kenny Heidt WASHINGTON – As members of congress and aspiring politicians continue to argue over how to create more jobs in America, Senators John McCain and Kay Hagan think they have discovered the answer: a tax holiday for corporations. However, this is not just a simple tax cut; the tax holiday proposed in Senators [...]
By David Epstein WASHINGTON – Amid tough negotiations and a series of votes, Congress has failed for the first time ever to pass a bill declaring that, “Puppies are among the cutest animals in the United States.” The failure of the “Puppy Bill,” as it is known, is highly unusual, as Congress has routinely passed [...]
By David Epstein WASHINGTON – In a newly released study by the nonpartisan American Center For America, the average IQ of the Senate rose by five points immediately following the departure of Connecticut Senator Chris Dodd. Senator Dodd decided to leave the Senate after running for president, where he raised over $13 million and then received 0% of the [...]
By Eric Kean WASHINGTON — Proposals to introduce ‘feng shui’ based market reforms have gained widespread support in congress, following a two week debate on reestablishing stability within the US economy. Devised in early January by Representative Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), the bill is now receiving backing by prominent Republican leaders John Boehner (R-OH) and Eric [...]
By Peter Coburn LONGWOOD, FL –The Senator, a 3,500 year-old cypress tree, burned to the ground in its Longwood, Florida home early this morning. Further investigation led police to suspect that the tree was intentionally set ablaze. Members of the United States Senate fear another attack. “They just burnt it to the ground,” cried John [...]
By Kenny Heidt WASHINGTON — Before Obama’s State of the Union Address last night, Speaker of the House John Boehner accidentally let the Republican electoral cat out of the bag by admitting to the press that their huge cuts to education were part of a strategy to purposely make Americans dumber. He told the press, [...]
By David Epstein WASHINGTON – Life for a new Congressman can be stressful: the pressure of the office and the crush of attention are daunting for anyone. Some take solace in their work and spend their spare time focusing on policy; others find comfort in their families and loved ones. But for one freshman Congressman, [...]
WASHINGTON- Former Speaker of the House and current Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi did not report to work on Friday, citing personal reasons. Sources close to the former speaker said she called in sick after recently discovering that her rating on HotorNot.com had fallen by a full point and a half overnight. It was a stunning development, [...]
By Chris Todd WASHINGTON – Ron Paul recently co-authored a bill that would legalize marijuana in the United States. He announced this bill as part of an overall effort to change his image into somebody who can have fun, be hip, and still take down the Federal Reserve. “Ron Paul was the presidential candidate who [...]
By Paul Peterson WASHINGTON D.C.— As an expansion of President Obama’s “Cash for Clunkers” program to trade old cars for energy efficient vehicles, Senator John McCain (R-AZ) wants to provide tax credits to middle-aged and elderly males who want to trade in old, clunky wives for newer, high performance models. According to McCain, the tax [...]
By Delia Hersh WASHINGTON — Taking drastic measures to improve the American people’s faith in their government, Obama has reportedly hired the Disney Corporation to revamp Congress’ image. The first step, taking effect on October 1st, will consist of replacing every Congressman and woman over the age of 30 or who is overweight with a Disney [...]
WASHINGTON – Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) has announced this morning that he has abandoned his previous political beliefs and become a liberal Democrat after viewing a television ad run by the liberal group MoveOn.org and bawling his eyes out. Boehner was eating breakfast in his Washington residence when he first saw the [...]
By Garrett Baldwin WASHINGTON — Congressman Dennis Kucinich was released from the nurse’s office on Friday after his mother picked him up from Congress. Kucinich got into the backseat of her Toyota Camry with a cut knee and an elbow bruise after a bully took his lunch money in the Congressional cafeteria. “He’s had a [...]
By Delia Hersh WASHINGTON — Senators, representatives, aides, and interns in Washington, D.C. have come together in the spirit of the new year to guarantee America another twelve months exactly as disappointing as the last. Responding to America’s alleged fear of change, Congressmen on both sides of the aisle have unanimously decided to continue the [...]
By Constable Perkins WASHINGTON—Responding to claims that the United States must “cure its addiction to debt”, President Barack Obama took drastic measures yesterday and staged an intervention for House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi. According to Obama, Pelosi will be provided a 30-day, all-expenses-paid treatment plan at a clinic outside of Scottsdale, Arizona run by Dr. [...]
By Jahs Greene WASHINGTON—A senior White House advisor held out hope that President Obama’s jobs bill would not be “laid off” by a majority of Democrats, even as one leading lawmaker confirmed that voters are struggling to hire democrats who will support the bill. Republicans were totally ticked-off about being left out of the exchange [...]
By Garrett Baldwin OAK BROOK, IL—Kentucky Senator Rand Paul broke his silence in a tell-all autobiography admitting once and for all that he is the spokesman for McDonald’s restaurant – the famous clown Ronald McDonald. Paul released a tragic personal statement in the introduction of his book, Sad-Faced Clown: My Story. Wrote Paul: “This closes [...]
By Kate Incandeza WASHINGTON — Congress has pledged its public support to grassroots group No Labels, because the organization’s platform prevents it from ever doing anything productive. “This is the true spirit of US government,” John Boehner said. “It’s about taking a stance that cannot be advanced, and continuing to push for it.” No Labels [...]
By Constable Perkins WASHINGTON – As Senator Dick Durbin (R-IL) took to the floor on Sunday to counter the arguments of Senator John McCain, he remarked, “It is almost a debate in the United States Senate, and that rarely happens.” As infrequent as such an event may be, it is nonetheless a boom for C-SPAN’s [...]
WASHINGTON — Police arrested a Bethesda man today in the killing of his grandmother for inheritance money. Police charged David Squabblemirer, a 34-year-old truck driver, in the murder of his 78-year-old grandmother and the falsification of crime scene evidence. Squabblemirer had attempted to frame Congressman Paul Ryan of Wisconsin by leaving behind a bottle of [...]
By Kenny Heidt WASHINGTON—Proving that bipartisanship is not dead in the House of Representatives, Speaker John Boehner cut the ribbon at the opening of the new women’s bathroom on the House floor this past week. The bathroom represents the first women’s bathroom on the floor of the House since its creation. Speaker Boehner said, “It’s [...]
WASHINGTON—Vermont’s Bernie Sanders, the longest sitting Independent Senator in U.S. history, once again hijacked the microphone on the senate floor this week to filibuster and beg his colleagues to go to Oz. “You have to see the wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz!” he pleaded for hours. His plan calls for all sitting legislators to [...]
WASHINGTON – Since his entrance to the Senate, Rand Paul (R-KY) has made a mark for himself as a fierce advocate for reducing the size of the federal government, its spending, and its role in the economy. In his most recent move towards these goals, the Senator has proposed that federal spending for GPS satellites [...]
DENVER – Since taking over the starting quarterback position for the Denver Broncos, Tim Tebow has now won 6 of 7 games, and has played a huge role in putting the Broncos back in the thick of the NFL playoff hunt. “Tebow mania” has taken hold in cities all across the country, and it appears [...]
WASHINGTON—This week, Rep. Paul Ryan, chairman of the House Budget Committee, has proposed cuts to what he has deemed “the insidious nature of handouts to children too irresponsible to save their allowance”. Government subsidized programs, such as the tooth fairy, are being targeted for cuts by the GOP in the 112th Congress, after many Republican [...]
WASHINGTON—Negotiations to raise the debt ceiling turned dramatic today when House Republicans declared that any attempt to raise taxes would be answered with the shooting of a dog. Leaders of both parties were meeting to end the impasse and had just opened the meeting when Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) gave a whistle. [...]
WASHINGTON—Umpires canceled a Congressional softball game yesterday after Barney Frank threw a temper tantrum and stole two bats and an ESPN Magazine that had been used as second base. The massive fit started when the team captains declined to pick Frank for their teams. After a young intern in a wheelchair was selected as catcher [...]
NEW YORK—Publisher HarperCollins has reached a deal with an insider involved in the “Weinergate” scandal to write an unauthorized biography of former New York Congressman Anthony Weiner. Tentatively titled Cockshots and Leprechauns, the unnamed author aims to celebrate the fact that “good things do, in fact, come in small packages.” “Cockshots and Leprechauns is a [...]
WASHINGTON—Politicians love to quote from the Constitution to support their arguments or label their opponents’ ideas as “unconstitutional.” Until now, all it took to justify or denounce these claims was to actually read the U.S. Constitution. The Republican Party hopes to change all of this by adding an amendment that would allow any person in [...]
WASHINGTON – Yet another attempt by Congress to find bipartisan agreement on legislation essential to correcting America’s stagnant Economy resulted in failure yesterday with the collapse of the Super Committee. Astonishingly enough, the reason for stalled negotiations in this particular Congressional faux pas lies not in party politics, nor in a lack of open mindedness [...]
NEW YORK—After a controversial downgrade of the United States debt from AAA to AA+ this past August, the S&P announced it has officially downgraded Speaker of the House John Boehner’s tan quality from SB (Supremely Bronze) to AAT (Above Average Tan). Specific details regarding this decision continue to emerge, but it has been established that [...]
WASHINGTON—Since the 2008 presidential election, the divide between the two major political parties in the United States of America has grown deeper. Partisan bickering and verbal attacks have become commonplace in all corners of government. However, as a new method to break the tension, the first ever session of congressional “Show and Tell” was an incredible [...]
WASHINGTON—Senator Dick Durbin of Illinois, a democrat in the Gang of Six, incited a pitchfork-wielding mob after praising Republicans Wednesday. Durbin, the Senate Democratic Whip, complimented Republican members of his supercommittee on what he called “a breakthrough” in national debt negotiations. Democratic congressmen responded by purchasing pitchforks and running rampant through the streets of Washington D.C., [...]
WASHINGTON—On November 27th, Senator Joseph Lieberman is expected to bring a landmark bill to the US Senate. The goal of the bill: rewrite the United States Constitution at a Kindergarten reading level to make it easier to understand. “Our Constitution was written over two hundred years ago in language so convoluted that even constitutional scholars [...]
WASHINGTON — Debate over tax cuts has been all the rage since Barack Obama promised to end the Bush tax cuts of the previous administration. After failing miserably, Obama has a chance to redeem himself. The newest debate has spawned over a current payroll tax cut from 6.2% to 4.2% for the first $106,800 of [...]
WASHINGTON – Bolstered by an increase in conservative representatives following last year’s midterm elections, House Republicans have voted to rename every federally or city-owned building in Washington D.C. “The Reagan Building.” GOP leaders believe the action will save millions in sign printing costs, as well as show their adulation of President Reagan. Rep Mike Pence (R-IN), [...]
NEW HAVEN – In a recent poll conducted by Yale University in conjunction with Associated Press and several national affiliates, 86% of those polled agreed that Capitol Hill is in need of more facial hair – specifically mustachioed in nature. The study, conducted over the course of two weeks via telephone, reveals that many Americans [...]
WASHINGTON – After an excruciating mash-up between the potato lobby and US Senators, a deal has finally been brokered to keep french fries on school lunch menus, thanks in large part to the star witness: Mr. Potato Head. It all started a week ago when several U.S. Senators proposed regulations that would cut back starchy [...]
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In light of new marijuana legislation currently being presented to Congress, some lawmakers have begun to discuss the possibility of taxing popular snack foods to capitalize on the phenomenon known as “the munchies.” The Frank-Paul Bill, sponsored by Representatives Barney Frank (D-MA) and Ron Paul (R-TN) wouldn’t legalize marijuana, but would leave states to decide [...]
WASHINGTON – “Visitors to the nation’s capitol may be in for a surprise in the near future. That’s right, East Asian tourists – take your pictures now, because everything is about to change… but for the better,” said Joseph Gayaux, President of PNC bank, after his bid to buy the Washington Monument was approved by [...]
WASHINGTON – In a rare moment of bipartisan unity, the House of Representatives voted 434-1 today to censure Illinois Democrat Jan Schakowsky for allegedly cheating while playing ‘Words with Friends’ on her iPhone. The censure vote came after a House Ethics Committee investigation that declared Schakowksy’s actions did not reflect creditably on the House. Adam Kinzinger [...]
WASHINGTON — On Tuesday, the House of Representatives made a series of cuts to lavish spending on Congressional benefits: first up, intramural sports among the office staffs. The House saved $136,600 by eliminating uniforms, rubber balls and other equipment needed for the Hill’s highly competitive intramural sports leagues, which include softball, flag football, and floor [...]
WASHINGTON – Despite an ailing economy, partisan politics, and numerous natural disasters, Americans seem to be happy. During an NFL lockout which lasted several months, Americans were forced to pay attention to very upsetting politics. However, with the return of the NFL, Americans have an excuse to be happy again and ignore their problems. “Just [...]
WASHINGTON – As the deficit of the United States continues to grow, and Congress haggles over how to pay for government programs, some Congressmen have decided to take debt reduction into their own hands – by having the First Annual Congressional Bake Sale. About twenty Representatives and a dozen Senators woke up early Thursday morning [...]
WASHINGTON – Reports out of the White House have confirmed that House Minority Speaker Nancy Pelosi is absolutely furious over the online chaos created by discount retail store Target yesterday. The website crashed numerous times due to heavier than expected traffic, which was driven by the launch of the Missoni for Target collection of bags, bikes, [...]
WASHINGTON — Nude photos of Scarlett Johansson were leaked onto the internet this week after her phone was stolen, which contained several, provocative, self-shot images of the actress in her bedroom. Capitol Police responded to an aide’s call this morning, explaining that a foreign electronic device was found in Senator Harry Reid’s office. The questionable [...]
WASHINGTON – Steve King (R – IA) and Tim Scott (R – SC) have been ordered to take a “U.S. Constitution and Law” class after claiming that President Obama will be impeached if he fails to raise the debt ceiling. In middle school, both representatives failed to learn that The House of Representatives may impeach [...]
NEW YORK – Now that Anthony Weiner’s seat has gone to a Republican, the rest of Weiner can finally get on with its life. Ever since that first tweet, which showed an endowed and alert member lashing out against gray daily briefs, American citizens everywhere began secretly desiring one thing: to see that package. No [...]
NEW YORK – This week, The Washington Fancy released the results of a 5-year study on the behavior of politicians. The study, which delved deeply into the habits and voting behaviors of members of Congress, attempted to evaluate their effectiveness in solving the complex issues of the United States. As per the conclusion of the [...]
WASHINGTON – Snubbing the president once again, several Republicans notably skipped a party that followed Obama’s speech to Congress Thursday evening. The exclusive bash, held at the White House, was meant to be a “Who’s Who” of D.C. politicians and celebrities. House Speaker John Boehner explained that he and other GOP members of Congress [...]
WASHINGTON – Congressional Republicans are tired of giving huge bailouts every year to thousands of US citizens who survived a catastrophic natural disaster. That’s why Representative Eric Cantor and the House leadership have a plan: to take America’s love for game shows and apply it to how disaster victims receive funding, with the Russian Roulette [...]
INDIANAPOLIS – The personal and professional life of Republican Representative Phillip Hinkle has been publicly tarnished, announced the Homosexual Elite this week. “We are proud to announce yet another victory in our campaign of homosexual terrorism on the lives of conservative politicians and good, God-fearing Americans,” read the official internal memo that was leaked to [...]
WASHINGTON — Unsatisfied with her husband’s sexual performance, Diana Cantor, wife of House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, released herself from the adult swing she was strapped into and reportedly walked out of their bedroom, much to the dismay of Virginia’s 7th Congressional district representative. “I had had enough,” said the thirty-six year old Mrs. Cantor. “I’ll [...]
NEW YORK — In the city so nice they named it twice, revelers and lawmakers gathered to put on their bathrobes, drink Caucasians, and get them a rug that ties the room together. The Coen Brothers cult classic drew notables such as Jeff Bridges, John Goodman and John Boehner to an exclusive party and screening [...]
LEXINGTON – It was strangely quiet on the streets of Lexington, Massachusetts and throughout the US, as the common people chose not to gather in large numbers to welcome their congressional leaders back to their home states. Most assumed their representantives wouldn’t even make it onto planes for departure after Congress grounded 74,000 aviation and [...]
WASHINGTON—Republicans were unanimous in blaming President Barack Obama this past weekend for their tactics in the debt ceiling standoff that led to a downgrading of the United States’ credit score. Recriminations began shortly after ratings agency Standard & Poor’s announced on Friday that they had lowered the U.S.’ score from a risk-free AAA to AA+. S&P [...]
WASHINGTON – After all the debt debates, a strong bipartisan coalition has finally emerged that claims to receive its instructions from “heaven.” Together, 98% of all Republicans, 89% of all Democrats, and 1 Lieberman have just launched an ad campaign titled “What Would Reagan Cut?” The ad is designed to make people stop and think [...]
WASHINGTON – House Majority Leader John Boehner stood up for Republican initiatives yesterday and marched proudly around the Capitol after passing his new debt ceiling plan. When asked why, he told The Washington Fancy, “These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do.” It was unclear whether one of these days these [...]
WASHINGTON — As the country experiences triple-digit temperatures this past week, Harry Reid is leading other representatives in a proposition for a clothing optional debt debate on Capitol Hill. “The heat both outside and inside is unbearable. It’s a distraction to the real issues being discussed on the floor,” said Senate Majority Leader Reid. “In [...]
WASHINGTON– The beltway is buzzing about the so-called “Gang of Six” and their new budget plan. Nevertheless, new reports are surfacing that the gang has been employing fraternity-inspired hazing tactics to initiate new members and acquire more supporters. Fraternities and sororities have been using hazing rituals for decades, borrowing these traditions from secret societies of [...]
WASHINGTON – Congress has announced new findings from an ongoing investigation into current allegations of corruption, invasion of privacy, and “mad spooky Lex Luthor shit” levied against media conglomerate Rupert Murdoch. While the initial revelations of frequent lawbreaking, including illegal wiretaps of victims of the September 11th terrorist attacks, has shocked and horrified the American and [...]
WASHINGTON, DC — Philadelphia Eagles quarterback and dogfighting entrepreneur Michael Vick told Congress today that although he was ashamed of his past behavior, he was even more ashamed of their behavior. “I fought pit pulls for status and cash – that’s puppy love compared to y’all!” he told reporters and lawmakers. “I mean you get [...]
WASHINGTON — With the inmates locked up behind him, D.C. Mayor Vincent Gray announced today the arrests of Mark Warner, Dick Durbin, Kent Conrad, Saxby Chambliss, Mike Crapo, and Tom Coburn for violating D.C.’s gang ordinance. “Guns, money, taxes, international acts of violence: these men here are part of a gang conspiracy that resides right [...]
WASHINGTON — Speaker of the House John Boehner stormed out of a Dupont Circle tanning salon on Monday after discovering that his tanning fees had been taxed 10 percent by Congress. “What the hell is this all about?” screamed Boehner at the corner of 16th and P St. NW. “I just found out that Obamacare [...]
WASHINGTON –Facing horrendous levels of public support, Congress has been searching for legislation that would boost its standing among the American people. Following the recent spate of tornadoes in the South, Congress has decided to officially declare the next several months the ‘Summer of the Tornado.’ Under the proposed legislation, unused stimulus money will go [...]
WASHINGTON — “Reaping the Benefits Act of 2011,” a new bill co-sponsored by Rep. Terri Sewell (D-AL) and Rep. Mike Honda (D-CA), would require Death himself to begin reporting his annual income and paying taxes to the federal government. “Over 24,000,000 Americans died in the past year,” Honda spoke before his constituents. “Death is a business [...]
WASHINGTON – In an effort to solve the debt crisis that is occupying the attention of Congress and the American people, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and Minority Leader Mitch McConnell came together in a bipartisan pagan ceremony in the Senate Chamber earlier today. The event was televised on C-SPAN, with liberal/leftist Current TV broadcasting it [...]
WASHINGTON, DC – Reacting to a series of embarrassing photos of shirtless Republican congressmen, Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) announced today that all congressmen of his party will now be required to include a bare-chested photo alongside their official office portraits. “For far too long, the image of a Republican member of Congress [...]
WASHINGTON — President Obama and Speaker of the House John Boehner have agreed to settle the budget talks themselves by staging a nationally televised dance-off and allowing the winner to make a decision. White House sources confirmed that last Sunday, President Obama and Speaker Boehner, met for a champagne brunch followed by a nondescript dance [...]
WASHINGTON D.C.—The first round of budget and debt agreement talks ended abruptly when Majority Leader, Eric Cantor, stormed out of the room leaving Vice President Biden cold. With an impending stalemate on debt negations, talks were reduced to a fateful game of “rock-paper-scissors”. According to sources, neither man would budge on his position, nor throw [...]
BEVERLY HILLS — With the economy struggling and the job market looking bleak, politicians are searching for additional jobs, and corporations have taken notice. Some businesses have even begun to think outside the box to lure politicians into their new jobs: no longer are resumés and job interviews important. The first pioneer was the founder [...]
WASHINGTON – Congressional leaders have developed a new private website for members of Congress to use to cheat on their spouses. The move follows several high profile scandals in the past few years, which leaders fear has damaged the reputation of the entire Congressional body. Any member of Congress can have his or her own [...]
WASHINGTON — Congressman Peter King, the chairman of the House Committee on Homeland Security, held his second round of the hearings investigating the extent of “radicalization” in the Muslim community. The committee had before it multiple witnesses speaking on many issues; there were detailed accounts from parents of how their children became radical, personal testimony [...]
WASHINGTON- Recent talk over the raising of the debt ceiling has sparked partisan debate over spending cuts and the possibility of national default. “When I arrived in Congress, the Capitol’s height was 289 feet. We have raised the debt ceiling several times,” said Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN), “and I’ve seen no construction in or around [...]
NEW YORK—At a press conference Wednesday evening, beleaguered Congressman Anthony Weiner announced he has had his first name legally changed. Weiner, the twelve-year representative of New York’s 9th District, looked to be choking back tears as he delivered the news. “I will now be known to my family, my friends, and my constituents, as Ned [...]
WASHINGTON, DC – Embattled Congressman Anthony Weiner (D-NY) hotly denied accusations that recent photos sent to a constituent were of him. The photos, which appeared to be his official congressional photograph, came on the heels of a photograph of a crotch that many believe belongs to the Congressman himself. In an interview with The Washington [...]
By Lorenzo Rearden BLOOMINGTON, IL – Yesterday afternoon, during the annual “Cowpokes and Fat Chicks” county fair in Bloomington, Illinois, a serene and relaxed environment suddenly erupted into chaos when an unexpected guest – Congressman Aaron Schock (D-IL) – made his way onto the fair’s south stage for an impromptu performance. Schock, a native of nearby Peoria, Illinois, was in town [...]
FT. LAUDERDALE – Following on the heels of President Obama’s announcement last week that he is converting to Judaism (Click here for read the exclusive WF story), Democratic National Committee Chair Debbie “Doesn’t-Do-Dishes-on-Shabbos” Wasserman Schultz agreed to do an exclusive interview with The Washington Fancy about the DNC’s newly launched “Operation NO EXODUS from the Democratic [...]