WASHINGTON – The leader of Al Qaeda announced today that they will cease operations against the United States, stating that, “Americans are killing each other much faster than we could ever hope to do ourselves”. Citing US homicide statistics, Ayman al Zawahiri voiced his frustration over the terror group’s efforts to keep up with the [...]
By Dale C. Anthony Geneva- The United Nations submitted its report to the Human Rights Council on Thursday confirming what everyone already knew- that Israel’s policy of building settlements on Palestinian territory “as it darn well pleases” represents a “dick move” and that the Israeli government is “independent statehood cock-blocking like straight-up hatters”, to quote [...]
By Dale C. Anthony “I feel really blessed to live free of the unconscionable levels of religious persecution Christians in America suffer,” said Nadia Mohamed Ali in the Egyptian prison where she, along with her seven children are serving a 15 year term for converting to Christianity. The widow was moved to tears upon learning [...]
By: Theodore Lost Following Iranian reports that the Revolutionary Guard captured an American spy drone, a press release from the Obama Administration on Wednesday confirms that the U.S. government has acquired President Ahmadinejad’s Walkman and mix tape dubbed “Mahmoud’s Road Jams Vol. 4.” Ahmadinejad, who visited New York last month to that deny [...]
By Steven Tobiasz VATICAN CITY – In a surprise announcement this morning, the Catholic Church has stated that Pope Benedict XVI has officially joined the social networking site, Twitter. The Church believes this will facilitate its initiative to stay current on popular social trends and outreach to Catholics across the world. Cardinal John T. Westin, [...]
By Chris Todd WASHINGTON – This week marked a pivotal moment in the long-lasting feud between Israel and Palestine when Barack Obama finally took a firm stance against the brutal violence. While on a ride to the beach, the U.S. President finally got fed up with the bickering and told the two to stop or [...]
By Dr. Alex J. Foot NEW YORK — Online dictionary website “Dictionary.com” crashed on Friday after 250 million Americans rushed to look up the definition of the word “Optimal.” This came after President Barack Obama appeared on the Daily Show to describe the situation after the Benghazi attacks in Libya. “If four Americans get killed, [...]
By Kenny Heidt WASHINGTON—Representative Peter King is worried that the film based on the hunt for Osama Bin Laden will reveal critical security military secrets and irreparably damage American defense policy. Zero Dark Thirty, set to be released this December, tells the “true” story of the thrilling hunt for America’s #1 enemy abroad, Osama Bin [...]
By Lorenzo Rearden BEIJING—In yet another dramatic twist in the details surrounding the dire straits of our country’s financial welfare, it appears as if Lady Luck has made a surprise appearance. Chinese President Hu Jintao has officially written off all United States debt owed to his nation after drinking a 6-pack of Four Loko last [...]
By Pat Chillé WASHINGTON — Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin arrived in Washington D.C. today to launch a diplomatic shirtless tour of the United States. The always camera-ready former Russian president will tour major cities across the U.S. – bare-chested, no less – in an effort to establish stronger ties between the two countries. “We welcome the opportunity to former [...]
By Brandon J. Weichert WAZIRISTAN—Taliban leader Mullah Omar announced from his cave today that with American and NATO forces drawing down in Afghanistan, his organization can finally begin to grow again. After meeting with several of his own advisers and some al Qaeda advisers, it was decided that on top of expanding their branch offices in [...]
By Chris McKerracher ALEPPO — Forget wagering on soccer matches and executions; the latest fad in the Arab world is creating office and coffee house pools based on Syrian President Bashar al-Assad’s eventual removal from office. Some of these pools are centered on the date of his departure and some by how his removal will [...]
By Chris Todd NEW YORK – In a recent public announcement made to all Syrians, President Bashar Assad apologized for the violence in his recent crackdown against political dissidents, claiming he thought the actions were just part of a really cool Xbox game. “I can’t begin to tell you how sorry I am for what [...]
By Chris McKerracher HEAVEN ON EARTH — In an exclusive interview with The Washington Fancy, God has announced the discovery of “The Human Particle”. The Deity sat in on a recent editorial board meeting at the palatial WF Headquarters in the nation’s capital to discuss his discovery. TWF: Is the discovery of Your so-called “Human [...]
By William Celloutte Athens – While many in Europe were celebrating a rousing start to the Euro of 2012, many Greek politicians were cheering the success of its new gambling based fiscal policy. The country of has officially announced that it is placing approximately 67%, or roughly $201 Billion USD, of its GDP on bets [...]
By Chris McKerracher CAIRO — Citing the overpowering, evil influence of American pop culture around the world, the head of the Egyptian Election Board, Abu Sphinxter, gave a press conference today explaining how US President Barack Obama ended up as the most popular candidate in the country’s first real democratic vote in their history. “I’m [...]
By Chris McKerracher MOSCOW — Two long-time rivals are close to coming to terms with trying to maintain peace over the Internet. The United States and Russia are close to signing off on a system to ensure secure communications in the public sector. This measure will prevent hackers from launching acts of intended aggression on [...]
By Peter Coburn PYONGYANG—North Korea found itself in a perilous situation with the rest of the world when it announced its April rocket launch. While North Korean officials insisted it was a purely scientific endeavor, the United Nations believed it was an attempt to test launch ballistic missile technology. Following the failure of the rocket [...]
By Chris McKerracher MEXICO CITY – A highly placed lieutenant in the government of Felipe Calderón is furious over charges that Wal-Mart de Mexico paid over $24 million in bribes to various government officials. Miguel Knute Garcia, a long-time advisor to the Mexican President explained their concerns. “Twenty-four million?” addressed a sputtering Garcia before the crowd [...]
By Chris McKerracher chrismckerracher@hotmail.com NEW YORK — An acrimonious physical altercation occurred in a washroom at United Nations headquarters Thursday as India, China and Korean scuffled over who had the biggest missile. Apparently, an argument had started when India began bragging to China, who was occupying the next urinal. “Your pitiful pea shooter is nothing [...]
By Chris McKerracher PYONGYANG — As yet un-deposed Korean dictator for life, Kim Jong Un has signed a contract to play the role of Cartman in the live action South Park film slated to shoot this summer. Kim was selected from an enormous field who auditioned for the role including Danny Devito, Jon Lovitz and [...]
By Garrett Baldwin LONDON — Speaker of the House John Boehner is recovering after sustaining injuries at Heathrow International Airport after British Customs agents thought he was an illegal produce import that had mutated on the plane and taken on human characteristics. “Holy [expletive]!” screamed Nigel Austin, 23, upon seeing Boehner in the Customs line. [...]
By David Epstein WASHINGTON – Facing both reductions in government spending and a not-so-hot spring in Washington, President Obama has decided that private donors will sponsor his vacation this April. The nation of China has jumped at the chance, signing a deal to cover all the costs of the Obama family’s vacation later this summer. [...]
Outrage Over “My Little Kony” Toy Grows By Kenny Heidt PAWTUCKET, RI – Hundreds of youth protestors held signs and chanted outside of Hasbro corporate offices this past week in response to the announcement of a new toy play set called the “My Little Kony.” According to Hasbro’s product description, the My Little Kony play [...]
By Delia Hersh NEW YORK — A Gallup poll released this Wednesday confirmed that, thanks to the recent bout of news solely focused on Iran, 35% of Americans have finally figured out that Iran is a country. Exactly 12% of these respondents know that Iran exists somewhere “to the right of us, if you’re looking at [...]
Official NATO map of “possible place where there may be things for us to blow up, where we can spend lots of money and do nothing in the process.” By J. Gordon Witte BRUSSELS — At 3 A.M. local time, NATO aircraft began conducting precision bombing runs on targets in the completely irrelevant, unknown and [...]
By Kenny Heidt NEW YORK—At the United Nations, an anonymous North Korean diplomat told the General Assembly that Korea is so determined to bring a peaceful end to the 50s era war that he will start a brand new war if a resolution is not reached by Januray 1st. The unnamed diplomat told The Washington [...]
By Stephen Brady WASHINGTON — In a quick measure to help prop up the world financial markets, Chancellor of Germany Angela Merkel agreed to allow the United States to build an enormous set of transatlantic jumper cables that will attach to a specially designed BMW vehicle in Munich. This decision comes following the heels of [...]
By Anderson Pooper ATHENS — A new initiative approved by German Chancellor Angela Merkel will provide a bailout of $170 billion to revitalize Greece’s flagging salad and yogurt industries, sources confirm. Acting director of the IMF John Lipsky heightened his pressure on Germany to guarantee the bailout this year for the struggling Greek economy. He [...]
By Delia Hersh AMERICA — Inspired by the recent voting out of Yemen’s President Saleh, American revolutionaries have vowed to reignite the spirit of the Arab spring – this time in the fifty states. This week, Harvard University undergraduate stuents Anne Anmassend and Rico Hendrix established the student organization “American Spring Supporters,” and ASS’s influence [...]
By Shaun Kunz CHICAGO— After confirmed reports of the death of Kim Jong-Un, the successor to the late Kim Jong-Il, Oprah Winfrey announced that she will be assuming the reign of “Dearest Leader” of North Korea. The talk show mogul, book endorser, self-help guru, and non-romantic same-sex-cross-country trip-taking expert made the announcement from her nearly [...]
By James Shea TEHRAN – Having been accused of assassination attempts against Israeli diplomats in Southeast Asia, and preceding Iran’s impending announcements about its nuclear program, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has not only denied the existence of nuclear weapons outright, but has gone so far as to claim that nuclear science is a mere “Western lie.” Iranian [...]
By Shaun Kunz DAMASCUS —The UN has responded to the recent violence in Syria by issuing another “Last Chance” warning. After the president was assigned to the corner with the threat of counting to three before he “really gets in trouble,” Bashar Al-Assad replied to the UN saying, “Just be cute and shut up.” Syrian [...]
By Cy Guevara HOMS, SYRIA – The protests of ‘People Against Dictatorships’ known as the Arab Spring that began on Saturday, December 18, 2010 when a young fruit vendor set himself on fire have yielded fruitful results in all but Syria. Syria got a late start in joining the global revolt, starting their protests this [...]
By Kate Incandeza CAIRO – Motives for the latest wave of protests in Egypt have been murky. The Washington Fancy has gotten to the heart of the matter: the Egyptian youth wants to recapture its place in the international spotlight. Last year, the world at large hung on Egypt’s every protest. But then followed the [...]
By Thomas Moore III BUCHAREST — With Romania indicating that it is now bankrupt, new concerns about the European Union are surfacing, after the initial surprise that Romania was actually in the European Union. It is slowly becoming apparent that Romania was mismanaged, inherently corrupt, and shockingly inefficient, which confirmed that it was indeed part [...]
UNDISCLOSED LOCATION — Twenty-four hours after a brutal 7.8 earthquake rocked the population of a non-American country, details about the extent of catastrophe are starting to emerge. Hundreds dead, thousands left homeless, and billions of dollars of damage to infrastructure have devastated a country that is not America. U.S. Ambassadors, however, are expressing dismay at [...]
By Chris Todd NEW YORK – After months of debate on the floor, the UN General Assembly passed a unanimous resolution to delete Syria’s Twitter account in response to the country’s handling of protestors. Such a measure is predicted to cripple Syrian morale, weaken the legitimacy of Syrian President Bashar Assad, and cause Syria to lose [...]
WASHINGTON—The entire U.S. Border Patrol was accidentally sold to Mexico this morning, government officials announced today. The White House, still under fire for the recent “Fast and Furious” gun trafficking scandal, claimed that an “errant post” on Amazon.com led to the sale. “We posted the Border Patrol on Amazon as a joke,” White House Press [...]
Ethiopian life has largely continued as usual; no respondents have reported any incidents of credit card fraud, identity theft, or late insurance payments. By Chris Todd ADDIS ABABA, ETHIOPIA – As the financial markets continue to struggle in the United States and Europe tries to work out a deal to save entire countries from going [...]
By David Epstein WASHINGTON – At a recent campaign stop, President Obama surprised the nation when he dipped into his childhood knowledge of Indonesian to castigate Congressional Republicans for intransigence and causing partisan gridlock. Advisers say the tirade was unplanned, and indeed many close to Obama were unaware that he was still fluent in Indonesian, which [...]
TEHRAN — Police chief Ahmadi Moghadam condemned the media for reporting what he called the bogus results of a recent study and offered to resign if reports are found true. The semi-official Iranian Labor News Agency (ILNA) reported that 80% of Iranian students drink alcohol and have friendships with the opposite sex. The police chief [...]
By Stephen Brady RIYADH — Late last year, King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia decreed that women would soon be allowed to vote in Saudi Arabia, a country known for its strict laws on gender separation. In an effort to end the speculation as to his intentions behind this law (which will only allow women to [...]
By Delia Hersh BERLIN — At his most recent press briefing, President Obama announced his decision to pull the remaining U.S. troops out of Germany by the end of the year. “After a distraught seventy years, I can finally promise you an end to this war,” Obama declared, provoking a response of silence, confusion, and a [...]
MOSCOW–In a situation echoed by many other nations, the Russian Federation is trying to combat economic troubles by increasing its exportation of hot tennis players. Tennis commentator Ralph Norrington is credited for noticing the trend. He writes, “Ever since Anna Kournikova became a world icon in the early 2000s, the world has begun to lean [...]
By Stephen Brady CARACAS — In what appears to be a Netflix fueled international standoff, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has announced that he is currently holding the US ransom for $1 million dollars. Chavez’s recent statement, which was originally misunderstood as a joke and an outdated Austin Powers reference, informed the international community that, with [...]
“We never really had a capital city… we just used pictures from Latvia and other European countries that no one cares about.” – P.M. Ansip By Chris Todd TALLINN, ESTONIA – Estonian Prime Minister Andrus Ansip made a surprise announcement yesterday morning to the international community. During a televised press briefing, Ansip admitted that Estonia [...]
By J. Gordon Witte LONDON – A yearlong study commissioned by the ruling Conservative Party has found that a steep decline in the “ridiculousness and incomprehension” of the British accent is directly linked to declining fortunes for the once-mighty British Empire. John Cosgrove, a senior Tory MP, spoke before the House of Commons to present [...]
FOR SALE: Middle East Price negotiable – no offer too low! 7 time zones Approximately 12,594,463,200 square feet Built: Beginning of time Lawrence of Arabia style grandeur in this great fixer-upper! Palatial Mediterranean entrance with acres of desert available for renovation. Pre-history motif present throughout. Birthplace of Jesus, Mohammed, falafel. Designed as a Utopian homeland [...]
By Chester S. McFisticuff ROME— Amid countless allegations and sex-based criminal charges, embattled Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi announced today that he would be entering rehabilitation in the United States. Today’s announcement came on the heels of more allegations of the Prime Minister’s involvement in prostitution and sexual misconduct, which have garnered international criticism and [...]
By Kate Incandeza PORT-AU-PRINCE — Travel Channel‘s plans to bring Man v. Food to international viewers has been met with a shocking response: anger. The show features Adam Richman touring America’s best “pig out spots.” Travel Channel was sure its appeal stretched beyond American borders. The show’s first stop: Haiti. “We arrived without the usual info [...]
By Thomas Moore III BONGA — After the largest oil spill in Nigeria since 1998, Royal Dutch Shell is getting right on top of the problem by immediately apologizing. The UN had already recommended a cleanup of the Niger Delta, which if undertaken would be the world’s largest cleanup, but another 40,000 barrels at least have [...]
By Stephen Brady DAMASCUS — In what has become the fourth uprising in the last year to occur in a Middle Eastern country, Syria has recently become embroiled in a struggle to reform its current authoritarian regime and implement a democratic style of government. Many analysts are stunned, but the United States’ National Weather Service has [...]
By Eric Kean ATHENS – In a press release today, Greek Prime Minister Lucas Papademos announced plans to divert a portion of the €110 billion bailout package to fund the national representative at next year’s Eurovision contest. Athens native Phillipa Stephanopoulos, 16, is said to be the forerunner in the preliminary rounds of the national selection [...]
By Shaun P. Kunz TEL AVIV—The relationship between President Obama and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu recently grew a little icier when it was made clear that not only does Israel reserve the right to attack Iran without U.S. approval, but also that team Chisox would not be invited to the Middle East Quiddich Tourney [...]
By Eric Kean from Sydney, Australia EMERYVILLE, CA—In a press release today, Pixar President Ed Catmull announced the production of a new feature film aimed at depicting the ‘human side’ of the Arab Spring protests. The announcement comes after months of speculation regarding Pixar’s involvement within the Middle East, particularly with regards to the funding of [...]
By Delia Hersh EVERYWHERE – This December, an array of natural disasters, genocides, economic upheavals, and Republican presidential candidates have gripped the globe – all of which has been ignored due to excitement over Hannukah, Christmas, and New Years’ Eve. For example, a freak snowstorm on December 4th buried northern Pakistan in 12 feet of snow, [...]
ROME – As global uncertainty about a double-dip recession and worries about the American credit rating sent investors flocking toward gold, large institutional holders of the precious metal looked to take advantage of favorable prices and cash in. And there is no investor more excited to do so than the Vatican. Just in time for [...]
By Chris Todd @ComedyInitials NEW YORK – The United Nations declared the nation of Somalia to be in a state of famine this week. The official announcement came after the percentage of chronically hungry children in the country rose to above 35%. This news came as a relief to the people of Somalia who, up [...]
By Peter Coburn RIGA—On September 18th, Harmony Center, a left-wing, pro-Russian political party, took 31 seats in the Latvian parliament. This landmark election for Harmony Center marks the first time in 20 years where a pro-Russian party had any significant control over the country. News of the victory spread across the globe, triggering a rush [...]
By David Epstein LONDON—The United Kingdom was stunned today when a routine political maneuver upended the entire elected power structure in this nation. Conservative Prime Minister David Cameron has been facing criticism for his imposition of an austerity budget meant to cope with Britain’s troubled fiscal situation, as well as his handling of a recent vote by [...]
![“I linked [the drone's operating] system to all of my favorite porn sites,” boasted Ahmadinejad. “By now, that thing has more viruses than an Iranian prostitute.”](http://thewashingtonfancy.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/3712302-3x2-340x2271-90x65.jpg "Has America lost its mojo?")
By Peter Coburn TEHRAN — In late November, an RQ-170 Unmanned Aerial Vehicle (UAV) drone was reported missing in the skies over Iran. The missing drone was a mystery until December 5, when Mahmoud Ahmadinejad reportedly leapt into the air and pulled it to the ground. “I ripped that son-of-a-bitch out of the air with [...]
By Eric Kean TRIPOLI—In a press release today, the Libyan National Transitional Council announced a new lucrative deal with Tiffany & Co. which will see the establishment of several new stores within the war-torn country. The announcement comes following mounting pressure for the interim government to deliver social and economic reform after months of civil [...]
ATHENS – After months of research and investigations, Greek Prime Minister George Papandreou released findings indicating that Greece’s economic problems can be blamed entirely on the gods. “Our banks are failing and government intervention has not produced any results,” said Papandreou, “and it is the direct result of the poor governing by the mythological gods [...]
By Stephen Brady RIYADH—In a bold move meant to diversify his company’s holdings, Sir Richard Branson, founder of the Virgin Group, held a press conference to announce the introduction of a new hybrid sedan into the Middle Eastern car market. “We want to give Virgin lovers everywhere the opportunity to drive anywhere, anytime, with only [...]
MOSCOW – Facing disappointing results from last week’s parliamentary elections, Russian Prime Minister and Presidential candidate Vladimir Putin has ordered the firing of the United Russia Party’s campaign strategist Oleg Garky. Oleg Garky, as a strategist with Putin’s party, was the chief person responsible for stuffing ballot boxes, making it difficult for Communist Party and Liberal Democratic Party [...]
MOSCOW—New and disturbing allegations have surfaced regarding the Prime Minister of the Russian Federation, Vladimir Putin. These accusations blame the short and vicious war with the small former Soviet Republic of Georgia in 2008, as well as the widespread move towards authoritarianism by the Russian government, on the influence of the former president’s pet Labrador, [...]
SOMEWHERE IN BURMA — “I was just trying to see the Burmese python,” said Secretary of State Hilary Clinton. This remark came after Siri, the new talking app on Clinton’s iPhone 4S, misconstrued a direction and accidentally guided the U.S. Secretary of State to Myanmar. “I was at the National Zoo for Zoo lights, pretending [...]
WASHINGTON—After months of speculation and rumors of an impending breakup, the United States and Pakistan announced today that they are formally splitting up. The two nations, once regarded as the War on Terror’s foremost power couple, announced the split in separate tweets. “It is with great sadness that @Pakistan and I have decided to end [...]
BEIJING—Attempts to assuage China’s fears over US debt ended poorly this week; with the Chinese government launching a formal investigation into a possibility that the United States of America has been inappropriately receiving billions in student financial aid. The investigation was announced by Chinese Vice President Xi Jinping following several talks with American political figures [...]
BRUSSELS—A few days after the United Nations Educational Scientific and Cultural Organization’s (UNESCO) executive board elected Syria to a pair of committees—one of which deals directly with human rights—a spokesman for the international organization admitted the election was actually “a bad joke.” “See, with the Assad regime’s continued brutal crackdown on the protests, we figured [...]
BRUSSELS – Last week, the European Union issued new regulations banning bottled water distributors from advertising that their products could help prevent dehydration. Citing a study conducted by 21 scientists in Italy showing that reduced water content in the body is a symptom of dehydration, the edict goes into effect over the next few months. [...]
MOSCOW—In an impromptu speech on Red Square attended by thousands of cheering Russians, Prime Minister Vladimir Putin unexpectedly declared his willingness and eagerness to host a “Baddassery Competition” among world leaders. Flexing biceps that burst through his $10,000 bespoke suit, Putin remarked that, “I think I could take ‘em. I’m feeling pretty good right now.” [...]
PARIS – While the Eurozone has seen many hardships over the past couple of years, most outside observers believed it would get past them and return to prosperity. However, after 18 years of a generally happy relationship, the European Union has announced it is planning to break up. Nicolas Sarkozy commented that “we had some [...]
BERLIN — After coming up with bailouts that briefly stabilized both Greece and Portugal, financial powerhouse Germany is turning their eye to the stumbling National Basketball Association. The NBA is faced with a long-term labor dispute that will drain pockets on both sides, and the bailout would be much needed. The players union advised its [...]
SAN INES, VENEZUELA—Catcher for the Washington Nationals Willie Ramos returned home this weekend after having been “kidnapped” in his homeland of Venezuela. According to Venezuelan officials, Ramos denied the contract allegedly offered by the Venezuelan team, and has returned to America for a better offer. What the world has been reporting as a “kidnapping” was [...]
PARIS—French demonstrators started their own “Occupy”-esque movement this week when they stormed French Prime Minister Nicolas Sarkozy’s residence, demanding that he enter into at least one extramarital affair during his time in office. “It’s embarrassing, for himself and for France. He’s the only politician in the region not to have screwed up on something,” said [...]
ROME—The fate of Italy’s political and entertainment industry is now up in the air. Following the pressure on Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi’s to step down from office in 2013, Italy is now struggling with the thought of a national identity without the controversial and bombastic leader. An essential figure in Italian politics since 1994, Berlusconi has [...]
BERLIN—The failing economy of Greece has the potential to wreak havoc on European and global financial markets. In its pleas for assistance, Greece has noted that its falter will likely depress the value of the Euro, and with Europe under such an economic crunch, Germany is left holding the decision to save or destroy the [...]
DAMASCUS — Bashar al-Assad – Syrian President, outspoken critic of Western diplomacy, and exemplar of a fine pencil-thin mustache, the likes of which haven’t been seen since Gomez Adams – made some serious headlines when he said that he would now be open to starting some dialogue with those opposed to his offensive regime. Astoundingly [...]
TRIPOLI – The body of former Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi has been “temporarily misplaced,” according to officials with the country’s interim government. Interim leader Mustafa Abdul-Jalil said the body was last seen on the kitchen counter at government headquarters. “Man, this is embarrassing,” Abdul-Jalil said with a bewildered chuckle. “He was right there on the [...]
BRUSSELS – Following the death of Muammar Gaddafi and the subsequent end to the civil war in Libya, Western media reported that Chairman of the National Transition Council Mustafa Abdul Jalil begged NATO forces to “stay forever, and never ever leave us or stop spending large quantities of money on your military and economic ties here.” [...]
TRIPOLI — Since the death of Osama Bin Laden, Moammar Gaddafi had become the world’s most wanted man. His oppressive rule was challenged earlier this year when NATO backed protests threatened his reign, and now the Libyan Rebels, who have captured and killed Gadhafi, have also left the United States uncertain of which country to [...]
TRIPOLI – In yesterday’s mission that successfully acquired and terminated Muammar Gaddafi, NATO forces acquired permission from the United States to deploy Dog the Bounty Hunter to Libya. Dog the Bounty Hunter has become world-renowned for his canny ability to hunt down fugitives the world over and bring them to justice. It came as no [...]
Dr. Emmitt L. Brown killed Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi on Tuesday in response to a botched 1985 assassination attempt on the doctor in a Hill Valley, California parking lot. “This closes a long, dark chapter of my life,” said Brown before administering the final deathblow with the metal fist on the end of Old Biff’s [...]
JERUSALEM- On Monday, the Israeli Supreme Court approved what has become a high-profile prisoner exchange between the country and the Palestinian group Hamas. The trade featured Sgt. Gilad Shalit, who was captured by the militant group in 2006, and over 1,000 Palestinian prisoners of various offenses currently being held in Israeli prisons. Details surrounding the [...]
UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, LIBYA -Last night, Muammar Gadaffi uploaded a video to YouTube informing the American people to confirm that he is still alive. “NATO’s been at it for a while, haven’t they?” noted James, a software engineer from Paramus, NJ, who was on his lunch break when he saw the video. “You think they would [...]
Both the Jews and Muslims have now offered to cede control over the Dome of the Rock to the other party. MIDDLE EAST — Abraham, the father of the Jews, was actually born in the rural town of Turtle Lake, Montana (Population: 204) according to a report published earlier this morning. Anthropologists and biblical historians [...]
ATHENS— As the Hellenic Republic faces financial and social disaster, much of its bankruptcy and wide spread rioting seems founded on one small misunderstanding. While Greece, like all members of the European Union (EU) officially trades in Euros, all of its creditors so far have received payment in the spiced lamb pate and cucumber sauce [...]
LONDON –Former United States President George Walker Bush was crowned King of England last night after pulling the sword Excalibur from a stone near his hotel. The former president was on his way back from a dinner with his wife Laura, when he spotted the sword standing upright in the stone. “It was just sitting [...]
HAVANA— Hugo Chavez is reportedly in critical condition after his sexual reassignment surgery last week. The president of Venezuela had been complaining of pain and soreness in his abdomen, reportedly a cover-up for this risky yet common surgery. Cuban health care officials, with the advice of film documentarian Michael Moore, offered their free health care [...]
TEHRAN – Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the controversial Iranian President known for his economic irrationality and love of human rights violations, recently revealed something those outside his inner circle never knew: he has an appreciation for Weird Al Yankovic‘s music. “F*** yes!” said Ahmadinejad, after first hearing the soothing sounds of Weird Al’s new song “Perform This [...]
TRIPOLI — In a series of scantly-legible notes scribbled on soiled napkins, soup can covers, and old propaganda posters, former Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi implored NATO to consider granting him some “much-needed alone time.” Gaddafi understands that his capture would be a symbol of insurance for the “dung-eating wombats” who betrayed him, as well as [...]
RIO DE JANIERO—Early 20th century swindler and Italian immigrant (notwithstanding) Carlo Pietro Giovanni Guglielmo Tebaldo Ponzi, better known as ‘Charlie’, has spoken. In a paranormal séance made public through a viral YouTube video, Brazilian cult leader and psychic known only as Touromerda channeled the long-dead criminal at his grave site. It seems he was [...]
BERLIN – Surprising results emerged from this Sunday’s election in the Berlin State Parliament: the so-called ‘Pirate Party’ gained 8.9 percent of the vote, 2.7 percent fewer than the main leftist party. Following this shocking upset, various pirate, buccaneer and freebooting gangs broke out into the streets of the German capital, pillaging beer gardens and [...]
BEIJING – – On September 18th, China filed for copyright infringement with the World Intellectual Property Organization. Their complaint: civilizations all over the globe have committed fraud against China by stealing their “Great Wall” idea. Wang Mu-ke, the lawyer handling the case for China, shared the following statement; “All over the world, you see hundreds [...]
SUFFOLK, UK – Notorious ladies’ man and truth-pusher Julian Assange remains on mansion-arrest, stemming from allegations of consensual sex. Reporters are camped outside the Ellingham Hall estate he’s been confined to, hoping to catch a glimpse of what a real journalist looks like. Some female reporters – although a few males as well – have [...]
ATHENS – Facing increasing pressure by its European and American creditors, the Greek government has been struggling to produce a budget surplus so that they can begin to pay back their loans. Greek Prime Minister George Papandreou has proposed an alternate way to pay back the nation’s creditors. “I propose that the Greek nation increase its production of yogurt,” [...]
TRIPOLI— In an amazing attempt to garner support from America’s thirty-somethings, Libyan rebels have apologized for the 1985 original slaying of Dr. Emmet Brown outside the Twin Pines Mall in Hill Valley, CA. Dr. Brown was commissioned by the Libyans to build a bomb to use against America. Instead, he used the money to develop [...]
TRIPOLI - Libyans rummaging through Muammar Gaddafi’s various empty mansions the past couple weeks have been surprised to find peace symbols, Grateful Dead memorabilia, and Greenpeace literature – revealing that the recently deposed dictator is in fact a hippie. One rebel looting items from a compound in Tripoli said his opinion of the dictator may have softened after [...]
WASHINGTON – Former Co-President Dick Cheney’s new memoir is causing human heads to explode into messy pulp throughout the U. S. and across the globe. Crime-scene tape surrounds the reading sections at Wal-Mart where Cheney’s memoir, In My Time, is on display. Humans have been cautioned from reading the book in public areas, as cleaning [...]
KABUL – Things are heating up in the Middle East – and it’s not the temperature. The once burqa-clad ladies of Afghanistan and Iraq have been spotted in clam-digger pants and with their hair in up-do’s. To the surprise of critics, they have credited American and allied forces’ efforts to qualm terrorism as the impetus for [...]
PARIS — In light of the recent decision to drop all charges against him, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, former head of the IMF and accused sex offender, is nostalgically lamenting his departure from Rikers Island. It was not the luxurious hotel suite he was used to, of course. The king-size bed was a bunk. The toilet was [...]
TRIPOLI – Libyan rebels took control of the capital city and Gaddafi-stronghold Tripoli this week, marking the beginning of the end of their violent struggle for freedom. After assuming authority in the capital, the rebels made it their mission to find their most hated and vilified enemy Gaddafi. It is being reported that the rebels [...]
TRIPOLI - Muammar Gaddafi, whose Libyan government is teetering on the brink of collapse, and whose compound is under attack by rebel forces, has issued his conditions for surrender. In his statement, Gaddafi agreed to cede control of the government as long as he could remain the president of Rhythm Nation, a title he has held since Janet [...]
TRIPOLI – In the midst of the final push by rebel forces into the Libyan capital, disgraced dictator Col. Muammar Gaddafi won a vital game of Risk among the remaining loyal generals and national security staff. While rebels and pro-Gaddafi militiamen fought over Green Square and other landmarks in the capital, Gaddafi was in a [...]
WASHINGTON — The GOP’s Presidential candidates are wasting no time criticizing President Obama for the role the United States played in the ousting of Libyan dictator Muammar Qaddafi. Speaking at campaign rallies, on TV talk shows and at prayer breakfasts, prayer lunches and prayer buffets across the nation, the Republican hopefuls vying for the chance [...]
ISLAMABAD – US officials are defecating in their pants over the revelations that Pakistan might have shown Chinese military officials the tail section of the downed helicopter from the Osama Bin Laden raid. Sources inside the military have told The Washington Fancy that Pakistan showed the Chinese the tail section, not only to be a [...]
DAMASCUS – Syrian President Bashar Al-Assad today apologized for the recent violent reprisals against protesters in his country, blaming errant typos in his memos to security forces. “I am such a scatter-brain,” Al-Assad said laughing nervously at a press conference. “I meant to type “chill” and I wrote “kill” by accident. I wanted my forces [...]
AMSTERDAM – While the long-established model of financial analysis and portfolio management encourages diversification of one’s assets, Austin Powers’ archnemesis Goldmember has decided to go against conventional wisdom and convert his entire net into gold. This strategy has resulted in a remarkable return of 186 percent on his portfolio so far this year. In financial statements [...]
ASTANA — After three months of deliberation and a nationwide vote, Kazakhstan’s 16.4 million citizens have reached a consensus in changing their country’s name to “Boringstan.” The name received 50.1 percent of the vote on Monday. “The new name really captures the social and political fabric of this nation,” said Kardesh Malfi, a 21-year-old university [...]
WASHINGTON — On Friday morning, it was revealed that a contingent of Italian policemen went undercover to arrest rogue gladiator impersonators. Now it is alleged that President Obama attempted to hire the undercover policemen to dispose of problematic GOP Presidential candidates. The Washington Fancy has the exclusive story, which is only beginning to unfold. “We [...]
LONDON – The riots across England have been filled with arson, fights, and destruction, but until now, they have wrought havoc without the appropriate music. A small militant group that has formed amongst the rioters is releasing a CD of official rioting music that they are distributing illegally – and free of charge – to [...]
LONDON—The Big Chill Festival in England came and went over the weekend bringing much of England’s rock and alternative music scene together. The always loveable and etiquette-trained Kanye West ended his performance by calling everyone a racist and invoking Hitler in his speech. Attendees thought it was the prelude to a new song, until the [...]
CAIRO — Hosni Mubarak once had it all: power, oil, and the sphinx. Now, he only has his newfound svelte waistline and box of Just for Men. The ousted president of Egypt, political refugee and murder trial defendant has one more shot to regain power and popularity. He is cutting his carbs, steering clear of [...]
ULAAN-BAATOR, Mongolia – In a startling and completely unexpected move, hundreds of thousands of horsemen rode out from the Mongolian deserts this morning and laid waste to the vast plains of Eurasia and the rich lands of China. Catching Russian and Chinese border guards by surprise, the horsemen – led by a so-called Great Khan [...]
BEIJING -– In line with its evident quest for global recognition as a superpower, China has created a new sphere of influence called the “Wang Doctrine,” a program modeled after the American Monroe Doctrine of the 19th century. Named after the admiral who penned the document, the program establishes new intervention criteria and promises to annex [...]
OSLO — Details have begun to emerge about the suspected perpetrator of Friday’s back-to-back terror attacks in Norway’s capitol city that left at least 92 dead. The suspect, Anders Behring Breivik*, who turned himself in to authorities, is a white** Christian*** fundamentalist****. His political beliefs are described as far right*****, with suspected ties to right [...]
MOSCOW – In a joint press conference with Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin and a decidedly silent President Dmitry Medvedev, the PM shockingly admitted that his counterpart was actually a robot built by Russian scientists to fool and confuse the West. Explaining carefully to a score of shocked journalists, Putin said that the Medvedev-bot had been [...]
MEXICO CITY – Last year, Mexico made 11.9 billion dollars in tourism, and intends to make even more revenue in the future, despite a gruesome drug war that has claimed over 37,000 lives. Mexico’s President, Felipe Calderon, plans to accomplish this by increase tourism by fueling the war. Most experts thought Rudolfo Negrete of the [...]
TRIPOLI — Facing widespread civil unrest and repeated calls from world leaders to step down, Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi is reportedly upset over the latest eliminations on popular US TV show “America’s Got Talent.” “He’s really unhappy that some of the novelty acts got eliminated,” an anonymous insider with access to the Libyan leader said. [...]
JUBA – South Sudan gained its independence last week, but now the real fight begins: the bidding war to name the nation. To raise funds for the impoverished country, President Salva Kiir authorized a radical fundraiser: the chance for the highest bidder to name the world’s newest nation. “This could raise millions of dollars for [...]
WARSAW– Citing a lack of media interest in the recent accession of Poland to the EU rotating presidency, Polish political leaders decided to begin an attack on their own country at 5 a.m. Warsaw time. In a complete surprise attack, airplanes and tanks left Polish military bases to begin an assault on Poland this morning. [...]
JUBA — After a long and violent history, South Sudan has peacefully and officially separated from Sudan as its own independent nation. After the announcement, the capital city of Juba was filled with celebration, including cheers in the streets, dancing and singing, and the vivid imagination of having basic resources needed to survive like food. [...]
[On Wednesday, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton made the following statement, characterizing the assassination of Afghani president Hamid Karzai’s half-brother as a sign of progress over the previous decade.] It was with great sadness that I learned of the death of Ahmed Wali Karzai yesterday. My interactions with him were few, but I have friends [...]
LISBON – The European Union’s economy took another hit this week when Moody’s Analytics downgraded Portugal’s debt ratings to ‘junk’ status. In accordance with global regulations, Portugal’s junk status means that the EU will be forced to keep the country in its garage. When Moody’s, a credit rating and international research agency, first got involved [...]
LONDON — After bitterness over the recent decision by the U.S. Embassy in London to construct a statue of President Ronald Reagan, the Tories and Republicans have put their heads together and revealed plans for another statue that will sit alongside the Reagan one. Prime Minister David Cameron himself explained, “The British government will be contribute a [...]
ROME – Silvio Berlusconi, the third-longest serving Prime Minister in Italy ’s history and well-known consumer of underage prostitutes, is yet again making headlines. In a surprise move to pop culture analysts and wannabe reality TV stars all over the world, Prime Minister Berlusconi has requested that Pauly D and Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, of the popular MTV [...]
MOSCOW – Speculation has been rampant in Russian political circles over who will lead the ticket of United Russia, the country’s largest political party, in next year’s presidential elections. That guessing game came to a close yesterday during a press conference called by the nation’s current leaders, President Dmitry Medvedev and Prime Minister Vladimir Putin. [...]
PARIS – On Friday, France’s Defense Ministry admitted to arming Libyan rebels to help in their attacks against Gaddafi and his regime. Upon delivering assault rifles, handguns, and ammunition to the rebels, French officials took one look at the newly furnished army and surrendered. “The rebellion needed our help to topple a corrupt regime. We [...]
TRIPOLI – In a public declaration to NATO and the United Nations, Muammar Gaddafi stated that he is very disappointed in the number of people who showed up to his monthly game night last Friday. What was supposed to be a wild night ending at “question mark” turned into a quick game of chess with [...]
KABUL – Afghan President Hamid Karzai is taking a hard stance on NATO-led strikes within his country. In a global declaration, Karzai has asked that NATO discontinue all strikes against homes with air conditioning. He has made it clear that strikes within Afghanistan can continue as long as his people have somewhere to stay cool. [...]
MALE – Weeks after being disposed from his leadership position with Al Qaeda, Osama Bin Laden has found employment as an on-location reporter with the Maldives Fisheries Advisory Board. “Fishing is a major industry here in the Maldives,” said Fisheries Communications Attaché Miusam Manifkan. “We need someone ‘on the ground’ or in this case, in the water [...]
PARIS – One of the most prominent French thinkers and writers in the modern era, Pepé Le Pew, has publicly renounced his friendship with Dominique Strauss-Kahn. Le Pew is a famous writer, personality, and intellectual in France and is known around the world as a rapacious ladies man. Strauss-Kahn had led the International Monetary Fund [...]
WASHINGTON — Leftists everywhere have deemed Obama’s 1967 Border Plan a marvelous success. “It’s brilliant,” raves The Muskegon Post. “Two thumbs way up,” says Roger Ebert. Obama administration intern and self-proclaimed foreign policy analyst, Kenny Darcy, explained the key to the plan’s strategy: “Well, growing up I was always told that things are made so [...]
NEW YORK — International Monetary Fund Chief and 2012 French presidential hopeful Dominique Strauss-Kahn was arrested in New York’s JFK airport last week after an attempted airplane hijacking. Around 12:14am, an unnamed member of SEAL Team Six apprehended DSK while he was aboard Air France flight 1082. He was eventually subdued by the air [...]
ABBOTTABAD –The White House reluctantly released additional information on the raid and the lead- up to the killing of Osama Bin Laden. It contradicted information previously provided to the public yet again, igniting a backlash against the Obama administration’s handling of the issue. Initial reports indicated that discovery of the Al Qaeda Chief’s couriers led [...]