In one horrible summer, we have seen Casey Anthony walk and Troy Davis die. It’s the sort of thing that partially explains why sometimes black people can be a little abrasive when it comes to the authorities. When Casey Anthony first appeared in court, she was haggard, pale, sort of confused. But when the trail [...]
Surgeon General Warning: Caution! It has come to the attention of the office of the Surgeon General that consuming Indian food can result in severe gastrointestinal distress leading in some cases to flatulence and a severely decreased probability of getting laid. It is the recommendation of this office that no man consume Indian food before [...]
Most likely to send his family on the worst vacation ever: – Colonel Gaddafi (Seriously, Algeria? The country known of their sex trafficking and child labor?) – President Barack Obama (Black people in Martha’s Vineyard? Talk about conspicuous.) – Sarah Palin (Literally no one likes being on a bus or the midwest.) ___________ Most likely [...]
This week, President Obama requested a joint session of Congress to discuss his job creation plan, yet in doing so, he proposed to cut into a scheduled Republican Presidential candidate debate. Americans are still furious that Obama had the audacity to interrupt The Apprentice, just to say that the best trained special forces in the world [...]
Michele Bachmann played damage control this week after she commented that Hurricane Irene was God’s way of saying that the U.S. deficit is too high. She claimed her remarks were a joke, and that “everyone knows hurricanes are caused by low pressure areas over warm ocean waters and Mitt Romney’s heathen Mormon belief system.” _________ [...]
Recently, movie subscription service Netflix increased its prices 60% for customers who subscribed to both stream movies as well as receive actual DVDs. In actuality, this price hike is part of a time-honored sales tradition called “bait and switch.” I have not seen a public figure turn from beloved to despised this quickly since Hulk [...]
- Libyan rebels entered Tripoli this week, effectively ending Muammar’s Gadhafi reign over the country and signaling a big victory for President Barack Obama’s foreign policy. In related news, Michelle Obama was overheard telling a close personal friend, “He actually doesn’t look bad in them,” signaling yet another big victory for President Obama’s “Thong Thursdays” policy. [...]
Brilliance is the only word to describe the strategy Muammar Gaddafi has employed in recent months. Obviously a student of western strategy, Gaddafi has used the “Favre” strategy to prolong his career as the leader of Libya.First, he text messaged pictures of himself to his military commanders, in which he wore unbuttoned Wrangler jeans and [...]
(S.343 A bill to amend Title I of PL 99-658 regarding the Compact of Free Association between the Government of the United States of America and the Government of Palau…) Sen. John Kerry (D-MA): What the fuck is Palau? Sen. Harry Reid (D-NV): I don’t know, but it’s not in the “Words with Friends” dictionary, [...]
Most likely to forget to insure their recently fire engulfed private island compound: Richard Branson Nicholas Cage Thurston Howell l “I hope Kate Winslett make it out okay Lovie” Most likely to draw a penis going into the mouth of the new Martin Luther King Jr. statue: Rush Limbaugh The Ghost of Sen. Robert Byrd [...]
WASHINGTON – For those who have always wanted to own a politician, the bidding wars have begun. This year’s most-eligible legislators are six Republicans and six Democrats known as the Super Committee – a group able to leap tall institutions in a single bound, who will be tasked with all the decision-making, budget-cutting, laser-vision superpowers [...]
Ron Paul came in second in the Iowa Straw Poll late last week, launching him into the spotlight. From NPR to the Daily Show, Ron Paul talk exploded onto the scene. However, the mainstream media apparently knows nothing about Ron Paul or his politics, because all of the media coverage has revolved around how no [...]
(Iowa Straw Poll Results) Gov. Rick Perry (R-TX): Looks like you and your friends didn’t dump all the tea into the ocean after all… Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN): What do you mean? I just won the Straw Poll Gov. Rick Perry: Oh, you didn’t hear? I’m in your home town stealing your thunder Rep. Michele [...]
Most likely to get totally lost on their over publicized bus tour: Sarah Palin Barack Obama White Snake ___________ Most likely to end up with a shampoo sponsorship by the end of the primary season: Rick Perry Mitt Romney Troy Polamalou ___________ Most likely to die of hypothermia during the Arab Winter before the rebels [...]
Cathay Pacific Airline had to postpone their planned ad campaign featuring the slogan, “Meet the team who goes the extra mile to make you feel special” after pictures surfaced of a flight attendant fellating a passenger. In related news shares in Cathay Pacific Airline fell this week based on investors fears that the oral herpes [...]
Google upped the ante this week in its battle for smart phone supremacy against Apple with its purchase of Motorola. Many analysts have sited patent problems as Google’s motivating force behind the $12.5 billion purchase of the phone manufacturer. However, the fact of the matter is that the Internet’s largest corporation is producing phones that [...]
Standard and Poor’s downgraded the US credit rating by one notch from AAA to AA+ early this week. President Obama said of the downgrade “Did you guys hear I ate a hot dog with Jay-Z?” Rioting and looting erupted in the streets of London after police shot and killed a dark-skinned male. Experts reject that [...]
In England, the tyranny of the elite had to be stopped. Someone had to stand up for the little guy. The world looked on, wondering which man would step up as champion for the oppressed? This week, David Cameron became that man. In what can only be described as his Winston Churchill moment, Mr. Cameron [...]
(S.J.Res.21 – A joint resolution proposing an amendment to the Constitution of the United States relative to equal rights for men and women.) Sen. Charles Shumer (D-NY): Can you imagine? women in charge? LOL Sec. Hillary Clinton: That was for Bill wasn’t it? Sen. Charles Shumer: Uh no, I was being ironic Sen. Charles Shumer: [...]
Most likely to be an undiagnosed schizophrenic actually hearing messages from Jesus: Rick Perry Michele Bachmann Mel Gibson _______________ Most likely to be sued for their attitudes towards shoving things into other people’s mouths: Donald Rumsfeld (for a wet towel to simulate drowning) Dominque Strauss-Kahn (for his penis) My Dentist (also for his penis) _______________ [...]
Rick Perry preached to 30,000 Fundamentalist Christians late last week in an apparent attempt to gain support for his Presidential bid. Although Perry shared many prayers with his supporters throughout the day, not all of his words were deemed acceptable by his campaign manager. Thankfully, The Washington Fancy’s own Anderson Pooper works part time as [...]
WASHINGTON – The body count is astronomical. Roughly 98% of all Americans are now the “collateral damage” President Obama warned of; the result of a budget crashing down on top of them this week, with more casualties expected in the months and years to come. The only group to escape the wreckage unharmed is the [...]
(S.365-Budget Control Act of 2011) Vice Pres. Joe Biden: This is awesome – I’m going to have so much free time again! Pres. Barack Obama: Does this mean you are going to start pestering me to ride tandem bikes with you again? Joe Biden: It’s not gay if we don’t wear bike shorts. __________ (S.365-Budget [...]
Beginning less than a month ago, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has repeatedly claimed that Bashar al-Asaad had “lost all legitimacy” after forces loyal to him attacked the US embassy. It certainly didn’t take long for him to issue a response: Assad sent his troops to launch a brutal military campaign against the citizens of [...]
Most likely to reject evidence of a second moon orbiting Earth: Herman Cain- “Two moons? Who has time to look at two moons? When I’m president, there will be only one moon.” Michele Bachmann- “As I have stated many times, I don’t believe in scientific evidence – only Jesus.” Neil Armstrong- “Fuck that, I walked [...]
A deal to raise the debt ceiling, which averted an international financial crisis, was reached Monday ahead of the Tuesday deadline. Congress is expected to focus their momentum from the deal on the other arbitary allusive man-made crisis: capturing Bigfoot ahead of the December 21, 2011 deadline. If Congress fails to capture Bigfoot, cuts will [...]
After the stress of the debt ceiling crisis, it’s easy to forget that the Commander-in-Chief turned 50 this week. Thankfully, President Obama’s closest friends and colleagues at least remembered to drop him a line, and luckily for us (if you can call hiring Rebekah Brooks lucky), The Washington Fancy was able to get its hands on [...]
Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown refused to appear in a commercial for the “It Gets Better” project that helps teenagers who are bullied for being gay. Brown said, “Until gays realize that pointy boots and wide leather wrist bands aren’t fashionable, it probably wouldn’t get better.” _______________ Congressional phone systems crashed this week after thousands of Americans texted [...]
(H.R.51 – Heat Island and Smog Reduction Act) Rep. Jo Bonner (R-AL): Tried to get the wife to watch Heat Island with me last night. Rep. Martha Roby (R-AL): Yeah? How’d that go? Rep. Jo Bonner: Waited for her to fall asleep, and smogged in a tissue if you know what a mean – Rep. [...]
This week, Mitch McConnell has been the only bright spot in the otherwise dark and dismal future of the debt ceiling debate. Mr. McConnell has become the Axe styling gel of lawmakers, since his plan provides “all the hold without the hard” work of actually passing a deficit reduction bill. It also provides that “whatever,” [...]
Most likely to get exactly what their T-Shirt demands: Rep. Luis Gutierrez (D-IL) – “Arrest me, not my friends” Dan Savage – “Google Santorum” Lindsay Lohan – “Just say NO to drugs” ___________________________________ Most likely to retire from Congress to have more time to plan for prom with their secret girlfriend: – Rep. David Wu [...]
Following a successful campaign to make stricter, more graphic warning label for cigarettes, FDA Commissioner Margaret Hamburg has set her sites on the alcohol industry. In a series of emails, Ms. Hamburg revealed her plan to replace the dated government warning that currently appears on various bottles. Proposed labels include:GOVERNMENT WARNING: According to the Surgeon [...]
NEW ORLEANS — From a helicopter, it is easy to see the 61-mile wide coral reef jutting out of the murky Gulf of Mexico. Plumes of oil swirl like a Chiaroscuro painting. It is, of course, sediment with the oil 400 feet below the surface. The impact on local fishermen has been catastrophic, but the [...]
July 24, 2011 – I turned into an innocous-looking small shop in Northeast Philadelphia and sat in a chair by the door. The outside of the building was peppered with small pieces of stained glass, informally arranging into patterns and shining like small, oddly-shaped stars. The proprieter indicated that he needed a little more time [...]
Don’t believe what you hear on the news. Every Sunday, The Washington Fancy brings you a special, insider report of what’s really happening in your world. Here’s the “Word on the Street” for the week now ending: – The Pentagon announced the end of “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell”this week, allowing gays to openly serve in the military. [...]
DALLAS – If you’re wondering where truth went, and whether it will ever return, there is both good news and bad news. The good news is that truth has been found, a bit scratched over and sore, but alive. The bad news is that Glenn Beck has trapped it inside, and is refusing to let [...]
NEW HAMPSHIRE – With election campaigns fully underway, the political pledge-drives continue. But the most sacred gift by Republicans —publicly pledging their sweet, sweet lovemaking skills to corporate sponsors — officially began with the Duty Pageant hosted by CNN last month. Across the globe, moguls judged the contestants on how far these hopefuls promised to [...]
Brilliance is the only word to describe the strategy Muammar Gaddafi has employed in recent weeks. Obviously a student of western strategy, Gaddafi has used the “Farve” strategy to prolong his career as the leader of Libya. First, he text messaged pictures of himself in unbuttoned Wrangler jeans exposing his penis to a waitress. Then, he [...]
Most likely to look like a domesticated house pet while explaining the debt ceiling negotiations: 1) Joe Biden (For his portrayal of a dog) 2) John Boehner (for his portrayal of a cat) 3) Tony the Tiger (also for his portrayal of a cat) ___________ Most likely to be heard yelling “I told you so” [...]
(S.745 – A bill to amend title 38, United States Code, to protect certain veterans who would otherwise be subject to a reduction in educational assistance benefits, and for other purposes.) Sen. Scott Brown (R-MA): You go see Harry Potter last weekend? Sen. John Kerry (D-MA): YEP! Sen. Scott Brown (R-MA): I wish Emma Watson [...]
WASHINGTON – In a sweeping decision made just before adjourning for summer, the U.S. Supreme Court voted 5 to 4 to redefine ‘personhood’ as that which applies to 1% of the population. In the case, titled The People vs. Buy and Large, the Roberts Court opined that all the natural rights man is endowed with, [...]
Most likely to have hidden sexual misconducts continually surface over the next 10 years: DSK Arnold Schwarzenegger Ben Roethlisberger The Catholic Church
Most men facing an implosion of their campaign staff in the the most important state of the Republican primaries would withdraw from a presidential race, but Herman Cain is not most men: he’s a pizza man. This week Mr. Cain told reporters he lost no momentum with the desertion of some of his top Iowa [...]
Much has been made of the phone hacking scandal resulting in the closing of News of the World, but we at The Washington Fancy do not understand all of the hullabaloo. We’ve have been hacking phones for weeks now - how else could we bring you up-to-the-minute reports on what Congress is discussing while in [...]
- Rupert Murdoch announced the death of the widely popular News of the World this week, adding that such action has prevented him from releasing the nude photos sent by former Representative Anthony Weiner to the Queen of England. __________________________ – Decades of racial inequality ended this week with the acquittal of Casey Anthony. OJ Simpson rebuffed [...]
Most hated person for getting away with murder: OJ Simpson Casey Anthony Colonel Mustard
Most likely to not win the republican nomination for their policy on coffee: Mitt Romney John Huntsman The Starbucks Mermaid
Most likely to cause a government default, to once and for all unequivocally prove they have the largest phallus in Washington: Barak Obama John Boehner Eric Cantor The Washington Monument
MARIETTA, GA — Georgia faces a billion dollar loss of key crops this season, and it’s projected to get even worse when pecans and cotton are ready to be harvested. With the states crackdown on immigration, migrant workers have left the state in droves. And somehow, no one saw it coming. Georgia has an unemployment [...]
TUSCON- At present, Arizona is suffering the worst fire in its history, although officials are quick to state that it is in fact, a dry heat. The fire has consumed 734 square miles so far, roughly the size of a small United States county, destroying 32 homes and causing $31.7 million dollars in damage. Nearby [...]