Dear Fancy,

I recently attended an event in Washington in which I met former senator Barney Frank. After a brief disagreement he told me to “Eat a dick.” I was confused because I am not sure if he was being rude or making a polite suggestion based on experience.

Help me.

Randy

Dear Washington Fancy – Missed Connections,

You were an online political satire site I used to read daily. You were funny and full of gabs of almost any political party in the United States and abroad. You never backed down. I used to read you before Buzzfeed. Comeback to me.

Walter

Dear Fancy,

Perhaps you should try motivating your writers more. I feel like there has been a lack of effort towards covering the important issues, such as whether or BeesWax Chapstick should actually cost 5 dollars, or why they charge extra for guacamole at Chiptole.

Joyce

- Maryland

Dear Washington Fancy,

I am one month away from graduating college and since I’m writing you I was wondering if we might connect on linkedIn. It would make my profile look a lot better. Also, if you respond to this, I am just going to assume that means we’re “Colleagues” and I’ll be sure to put that in my connection request.

Kate – Indiana University – Cumulative GPA 2.3 out of 4

Dear Sarah,

It’s called masking tape and a sharpie, bitch. Put your name on your food if you don’t want someone to eat it.

- Ted, by the copier

Dear Washington Fancy,

Are plugs really looked down upon?

- Donald J. Trump

Dear Ted,

Go fuck yourself. That pasta was my only food for the day.

Eat a dick,

- Sarah

Dear Staff Writers,

Who changed the temperature in the office? I was told the thermostat was not suppose to go lower than 72 degrees. I will find out who did this and report you to corporate. You can guarantee that. PS. Sarah, if you’re reading this, I ate your leftover pasta in the fridge. It was delicious.

Ted, by the copier

Dear Washington Fancy,

Is ‘Just for Men’ gel really only for males? I applied some to my daughters head in hopes to grow her hair out for prom? Wait…you guys are like Yahoo Answers, right?

Judy

Dear Washington Fancy,

I feel your site would benefit from more cats. Perhaps, pictures or videos would be a good start.

Sincerely,

Meow

LOCAL – A recent NBC News/Marist Poll released on Tuesday showed local couple, Paul Essex and Amber Dubius sex life only has a 50% approval rating. Among the couple friends, the Marist Poll revealed that the couple recieved a 100% approval rating among Paul’s friends, while Amber’s came in at just 30%. The couples overall approval rating of 50% is up from its lowest rating of 10%, which came last November, when in a surprise move, Paul decided to shave all but the top half of his chest hair. At press time, the couple couldn’t be reached for comment.

LOS ANGELES, CA – Everyone’s nightmare was realized when Leonardo DiCaprio ran into Gisele Bundchen, at one of the thousands of Met Gala pre-parties. The pair, who split when DiCaprio would not respond to Bundchen’s biologically ticking clock, reportedly spent the night in their respective time out zones. Gisele stayed close to Mr. Bundchen on one corner, while DiCaprio had the difficult task of sitting next to a handful of international supermodels. After the party, Bundchen snuck away with her husband, while DiCaprio stayed longer to build close, personal relationships with the models and engaged in good quality conversation.

JAPAN- Toru Hashimoto, the mayor of a city in Japan, has been under fire for his comments about sex on female wartime prisoners. Japan has a long history of war time sex slaves and in Hashinmoto’s opinion, that helps soldiers relax and is a just a  reward for their sacrifices for the state. These women were believed to have been forced into the role of “comfort women” – which is not a euphemism for motherly compassion – in different military brothels all over surrounding Asian nations. Hashinmoto, who will be in China for a series of business meetings, is urging men to hide their kids and hide their wives.

NEW YORK  –  Tensions and allegations over Benghazi came to a fevered boil as FOX News may have reported something true. No one in the vast liberal mainstream media of PBS, Sesame Street or half an MSNBC was prepared, while most independent and inconsequential news agencies were shocked.

“I don’t understand,” said a shaken Amy Goodwin from Democracy Now who was in critical care, recovering from ‘crying-wolfitus.’ “I was so used to FOX and friends being discredited hacks when it came to the environment or facts or Obama’s birth record, I mean they cried terrorist, foreigner, socialist, ‘lord of the flies,’ antichrist, muslim-” said Goodwin before howling and drifting off into space.

What began this September 11th when a U.S. consulate in Benghazi was attacked and President Obama’s administration told citizens to “look the other way for a minute. In fact, here—watch this video!” has ended in the potentially explosive revelation that Obama himself may possibly have given the order to perhaps direct the closest U.S. troops to Benghazi to maybe “stand down.”

While the liberal media is in recovery and Big Bird is in critical condition, Alex Jones reminisced of U.S. planes “standing down” during and after the first 9/11. At the moment, the only thing Americans can agree on is that they’re “wicked confused” and “generally enraged.” One housewife from Queens said: “I almost freaked that Obama’s entire administration lied for weeks in an effort to “C-Y” their “Asses” during an election year. Then I remembered the Iraq war, every politician and shooting someone in the face and thought—freaking so what! Now they lay this on me. I don’t know if I’m livid or bored. Go get me another mojito.”

Until the facts can be sorted out, FOX and friends are calling this “Benghazi-gate” and Obama, “Beelzebub.” Only PBS’s Bill Moyers seemed unfazed by recent revelations: “Keep in mind,” said Moyers, “unlike FOX News, a broken clock is right twice a day,”

TROY, MICHIGAN – A school district in Michigan received several complaints as parents claim “Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl” is too disturbing for their children to read. The students had been studying a recently released unabridged version, which includes newly uncovered erotic love letters to someone with the initials “J.B.” Concerned parents are certain the mystery boy is none other than heartthrob Justin Bieber.“I know it’s preposterous, it’s 50 years before he was even born, but that only makes it even worse,” one irate parent says. “This school is teaching our children that love can transcend the properties of space and time, and that anything is possible if we just Beliebe.” The school agreed to unban the book if teachers switch to the edited version, which omits the creepy, time-bending love letters.

CLEVELAND, OHIO - Ten years after it began, three women escaped a house in Cleveland, Ohio after finally succumbing to defeat in the fantasy role-playing game, Dungeons & Dragons. The three women had reportedly joined a neighborhood league run by Dungeon Master Ariel Castro, who had a reputation of creating exceedingly long and complicated “campaigns” in the popular game. Amanda Berry, the first woman to escape, claims she became completely immersed in her character’s persona and simply “lost track of time.” “I feel like it was only yesterday I was choosing my magical powers on my character sheet,” Berry told reporters. When questioned about her six-year-old child that was conceived and born during the ten-year quest, Amanda gives a perplexed look. “Oh, hmm. Yeah, I guess it’s weird that we wouldn’t pause the game or even try to get outside help at that point. Castro’s a good dungeon master, I guess.”

Jason Collins, who came out as the first openly gay active player in the NBA, has filed a lawsuit against himself. Directly on the heels of his being cut from the Washington Wizards, Collins filed the suit in a Washington D.C. courtroom and claims, “in a state of confusion and self hatred, I waged a courageous, but homophobic, false war on myself.” He filed the slander self lawsuit instead of a wrongful termination suit, after the Washington Wizards released the following statement: “Jason is the nicest guy, really. We will continue to support whatever humanitarian effort he settles on. He is just really bad at basketball.”

Threat level – 8

LOCAL - Scientists have conducted a new study that has shown circumcision reduces the amount of STDs by half. The study also proves that circumcision actually increases the amount of female American partners, by 75%. This is great news for Jews who have practiced circumcision since around the time Adam and Eve walked the Earth. Now, the Tribe has created a new Snip the Tip Campaign, which offers free circumcision for males under the age of 3 and reduced prices for males over the age of 17. Scientists and historians alike admit that circumcision is now added to the list of things Jews knew about before the rest of the world right behind gold investment and the holocaust.

BEIJING, CHINA—As of Sunday, over 100 avian flu cases have been reported in China. On Thursday, there were chirpings that a Taiwanese man became the first person outside of the mainland to be diagnosed with the disease. Evidence indicates that the H7N9 influenza stems from an October 3rd incident concerning then-presidential candidate Mitt Romney and Sesame Street’s Big Bird. Friends say that the large, waddle-prone, yellow-feathered bird has not been the same since Romney put a bounty on his head in the first presidential debate. Big Bird, who first debuted in 1969, is known as a leader amongst the poultry and avian circles—it was only a matter of time before he enlisted help from the bird community and his plan for retaliation took flight.

TOKYO—Secretary of State John Kerry finished his first official trip to Asia with a visit to Japan, where he and Japanese Foreign Minister Fumio Kishida discussed the possible threat of a nuclear North Korea.

Not until after a sushi luncheon in his honor, though, did Kerry realize his mistreatment of the escalating situation. “As I took my first bite of sushi—California roll of course, to honor my good friend Nancy Pelosi—it came to me,” said Kerry. “The anger of the people of North Korea is unsurprising. Japan has its succulent sushi. In Thailand it’s Pad Thai. China dishes out sesame beef and kung pao chicken. North Korea? Bibimbap.”

Speaking to reporters after lunch, Kerry and Kishida urged Americans and South Koreans in particular to avoid the sale and consumption of Japanese and Chinese favorites over the next few weeks until Kim Jong Un’s nuclear rhetoric subsides. However, they are confident that the region will soon be stabilized and he will forget about that time at summer camp when the other kids made fun of his kimchi.

Tzvia Berrin-Reinstein

ATLANTIC CITY–Uncle Pennybags, better known as the Monopoly Guy, was found dead in his home in Atlantic City, New Jersey on April 22. Initial police investigations concluded that Pennybags suffocated after intentionally chocking on a monocle.“That was a sight I wish I never saw,” said police investigator, Richard Coleman. “He was surrounded by piles of empty bags with dollar signs. It was so sad.” Uncle Pennybags’ funeral is to be held on April 28. His family has asked that, in lieu of flowers, large quantities of multicolored money should be sent.

WASHINGTON DC—On Wednesday April 17th, a letter addressed to President Obama which contained ricin, a highly toxic poison, was intercepted by a mail screening facility. This letter was discovered within a day of a similar poisonous letter that was sent to Senator Roger Wicker (R-Mass).

Upon hearing of the poison laced letter, President Obama made an emergency press conference. “Oh, no you didn’t,” said the President. “I know some douche out there didn’t think I was going down so easily! I’m the commander-in-motherfu*king-chief. I eat ricin for breakfast. I put it in my cornflakes along with rusty nails and napalm. You think a letter is going to stop me?”

This is not the first time a sitting president has been the victim of attempted poison, and so far none have been successful. A president’s seeming immunity to toxins has been recorded all the way back to the days of Theodore Roosevelt, who used to drink blood infected with smallpox just to prove how badass he was.

Ricin, a poisonous substance extracted from the Caster Oil Plant, is widely used as a poison by lazy or poor terrorists whom are unable to obtain cooler sounding poisons like arsenic or anthrax. FBI profiling of the would-be assassin details a loser with a garden, too much time on their hands, and a lack of knowledge that the President does not open his own mail.

Threat Level 8

Regardless of any freedom loving American’s preparedness against threats to “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness,” time has been known to end all things. Time will eventually kill all freedom loving Americans and replace them with the whiney next generation of Obama voting, Twilight watching, losers. Still worse, that generation will be replaced with an even worse group of morons with their iPhone 52-G’s, self driving cars, and whatever horrible excuse for music that they will listen to in the future. The only consolation is that Time will kill you before freedom is destroyed by Time.

By Rachel Kolman

DALLAS, TX – Bush announced plans to open the George W. Bush Presidential Library and Museum at Southern Methodist University this spring. The library will hold artifacts and documents from Bush’s presidency as well as inspiring motivational posters such as “success is measured by your level of success” and “C students can be president, too.” The library will also include access to more than 200 million e-mails, including all of Dick Cheney’s forwarded messages with the subjects, “resend to ten friends or you will die by midnight!” and “we should consider helping out this Nigerian prince.” Students and guests will soon be able to wander the vast and surprisingly unfulfilling aisles of the library, taking in such treasured White House mementos like “the rabbit’s foot I accidentally left at home on 9/11.” Bush unveiled a model size of the building in a press conference earlier this week, although he promised the real version would be “at least three times as big.”

New York, NY – In a surprise announcement this morning, news outlet MSNBC has stated that they will be introducing contact lenses to all morning show hosts. This declaration came on the eve of a new poll that found 41% of Americans have lost faith in ‘people who wear glasses.’ The exchange of frames for lenses is set to go in effect early next week, as the network attempts to make a clear effort in doing away with being near-sided. No word has been released on whether late night programs will feature fewer glasses as the network seemed weary over whether or not America was ready for  ”a news show from people who hide their vision problems.”

WASHINGTON- After reviewing the countless tax dollars wasted on passing oppressive laws only to have them later ruled unconstitutional, the Supreme Court has deemed the current legal system an unconscionable waste of time. To simplify matters, they’ve interpreted a key point in the Preamble to the Constitution as a rule of thumb. “Everybody has the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness,  the government is empowered to defend the same, and”, continued Justice Sotomayor. “if you ever- even if you hold office- take life, inhibit liberty, or inflict undue suffering against others than it’s  an eye for an eye- straight Talmudic on your tuckass”.  The public reaction to the news has been a resounding “Duh!”

Local- Sarah Lewis, a born-again Southern Baptist, is happily reunited with her virginity after it was reported missing a decade prior. Her virginity was reportedly found behind a dumpster in an alley next to a now condemned after-hours club. It was returned unharmed along with a piece of her human dignity by someone who wished to remain anonymous. At press time, a search party has assembled and is seeking to completely restore her self-respect which is believed to be scattered across the tri-state area. Thankful for the groundswell of support, Lewis plans to give back by donating to area teens, giving them the same grief that her pastor gave her back when she was getting laid.

To Whom It May Concern:

I grew up in this neighborhood and have spent most of my life in this state. It has always been a safe place for my family, and myself. I fear with this past winter things are starting to change, and for the worst. This somewhat nice, all be it cold, state has suddenly become much more dangerous. I guess what I’m getting at is, this used to be a great place to raise a family before all the black ice came in.

Robert

Dear Washington Fancy,

I recently gave up lying for lent and am finding it really difficult to hold true to this promise. I was given a “Campaign Gift” by a losing candidate and am not sure what I’m suppose to do. His people keep asking for it back, but to be honest the TV looks great in my family room. Is it lying if I say I don’t have it anymore?

PS – the picture quality is great!

Dave -

LOCAL – Reports claim a local workplace is experiencing a tense environment as March Madness, the nickname for the NCAA tournament, has taken over everyone’s lives. Workers have been spotted mumbling worriedly about their bracket as others gloat openly in the break room about their early victories. Others claim that the receptionist has purposely not been giving out messages because she’s still bitter about losing half of her vacation fund on the Georgetown game. Analysts are claiming that by the Final Four, workers will be openly stealing food from the fridge even though it’s labeled “Steve’s sandwich do not touch” and parking just over the white line of their parking spots. No word on how the office plans to cope after the tournament is over and everyone realizes they have to face these people for the next eleven months.

WASHINGTON D.C. – As 2013 ramps up to continued “stay the course” sameness for a supermajority of citizens while a damaged planet turns and the fiscal cliff looms below, the U.S. population is advised to embrace the edge.  To help, in a historic move the U.S. Congress came together to finally pass something:  a handy list of 13 resolutions for people to follow closely.

13. Find a way to eat more snack, processed and fast-food meals while at the same time endeavoring to combat obesity so as to achieve a striking balance.

12. Fight violence and mental illness with guns: it resolves things much faster than nonviolent cures such as mental health or human dignity. God would want it that way. Note:  If you’re one of the good guys, or you have few friends and a few dollars lying around, buy a gun. It will protect you from all the bad guys that have lost their minds, jobs, homes or will to live.

11. Pollution, rising temperatures and sea coasts are mother nature’s way of saying: Welcome to Miami! You should thank her.

10. When the economy is depressed for a supermajority of people on a foreseeable basis, it feels good to overcome depression by working more, making less, and buying as much as is humanly possible to fill the void of not having time or money.

9. Citizens are encouraged to continue making large payments to insurance companies and banks, but are cautioned to not become seriously ill or expect to keep their homes.

8. Pharmaceutical drugs that are safe and/or kill people should be promoted and ingested with great regularity in order to win the war on drugs that don’t kill people so much as making them illegal.

7. Nothing is as dangerous to our National Security as breaches of reality. Until further notice, truth has been declared an incendiary device that in the wrong hands could spark and then inflame havoc. It has been labeled a felony to brandish in public places, just ask Thomas Drake, Julian Assange or Bradley Manning.

6. Laws against banks and other multinationals that are too big to fail could potentially destabilize the global economy and market forces. Thus banks are to be held exempt from persecution, prosecution, or any laws whatsoever, for the sake of economic stability. No one wants another Great Depression.

5. Politicians can best represent and protect the people by best representing the corporations. This is why we have laws to fight oppression, so that CEOs can remain free of the oppressive yolk of poverty, slander, or jail time. Where would tomorrow’s jobmakers be if they had to start from nothing today?

4. Except for defense and surveillance, we believe that the best years are behind us and are determined to bring back our glory days. Much like current voting mechanisms, workers’ rights, civil rights or food safety, we hope to turn back the clocks until major transitways are older, better and more interesting.  Roads and bridges should soon begin to accommodate coal-powered carts and buggies, and are already requiring increasingly more off-roading experience for all.

3. Medical treatment should be limited to the innovations of the 1500s, such as exorcisms, leeching, sacrificial offerings and prayer. They are the best hope of curing what ails you. Until such sweeping innovations are in place, it is better to pay through the nose so that treatment can be denied to you than to pay through the rear for a single hospital visit. Stay healthy, my friends.

2. The latest spring lines of everything are just around the corner, so be sure to shop till you drop! Literally. We’re watching you.

1. For all those “middle class” Americans now living beneath bridges, on streets or who remain “between homes,” please get a second job.

HOLLYWOOD –  Toni Braxton says that she doesn’t know why she wants to ‘play’ a lesbian on screen. Whatever that reason is, it’s “definitely not because [she’s] kinda gay at all”, according to the suddenly defensive singer and reality star. Refusing to reveal exactly what erotic sexual kinkfest for which ‘play’ is a thinly veiled code, Braxton spoke at length about her curiosity about lesbian ‘acting’. “To prepare for a future role, I’ve begun an intense regimen of method acting to help me touch my character- I mean, get in touch with my character,” added the same-sex role attracted female.

LOS ANGELES.- Noted pornographer Ron Jeremy reportedly sought nonsurgical treatment of his aortic aneurysm by a team of naughty nurses, prior to emergency heart surgery Wednesday. One of his doctors quoted him saying, “These may not be licensed nurses, but they’re obviously experienced with surgical procedures.” Jeremy reportedly asked doctors to trust him, reasoning that aneurysms are only blood clots and “these girls really know how to get the juices flowing,” if they knew what he meant. Only after doctors stipulated condom use in correspondence to the LA. law prohibiting unprotected pornographic performance, did the luckiest man alive finally agree to the life-saving procedure. Jeremy is now in recovery at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles following successful treatment.

NATIONAL HARBOR, MD – This year’s Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) was a who’s who of right-leaning Republican leaders who exemplify the GOP’s best and brightest. Among the intellectual giants were Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, Ann Coulter, Donald Trump, Rick Perry, Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney.  Snubbed from attending the event was Chris Christie, who despite his name was deemed by CPAC organizers as “not C enough.”

Trump started the C off on Friday morning to a room full of empty chairs; or as FOX News put it: Trump Rocks CPAC!  The Fancy later learned that the chairs were not empty, but were in fact sent by Clint Eastwood and inhabited by the silent, socialist specter of President Obama. Trump’s wisdom nuggets to the CPAC crowd of 14 people were that granting comprehensive immigration reform was a suicide mission, as 11 million immigrants could not possibly be convinced to vote Republican, and his cure for the economy: building a ballroom at the White House. Also, he said that for a price, his hair could be used as a winged hovercraft.

Other highlights of the conference were Ann Coulter, who made a “Chris Christie is so fat” joke, Bobby Jindal who somehow avoided calling all those present “stupid,” and Sara Palin who slurped on a Big Gulp left at the pulpit by an ever-thirsty Marco Rubio, the token Hispanic that avoided saying a word about immigration reform. But the show was stolen by Newt Gingrich who showed the enthralled crowd what they could do with a willing candle. This will come in handy for those in the audience who may soon no longer afford basic cable or electricity.

However the big C was brought by Michele Bachmann, who wowed the crowds with a Herman Cain-worthy litany of made-up facts and numbers. Bachmann’s speech was so full of C that reporters close to the podium claim her nose grew three sizes that day, far exceeding the Pinocchio record held by Paul Ryan. In fact, the most truthful and motivational voice from CPAC came from Sarah Palin, who remained perfectly unaware that everything she stood for, the GOP stood against. She demanded an end to too big to fail, an end to income inequality and aptly described the suffering of the middle class, yet blamed “those who target the jobmakers” and the socialist policies of Obama.

One of the greatest disconnects between what the GOP and Democrats say and what they do can best be summed by how spectacularly well the DOW and the Wall Street managerial society are doing, and how spectacularly terrible the country and regular Americans are: if the 1900s before the Great Depression were a Gilded Age, the current age for those at the top is Solid Gold; while for a supermajority, this is the Cardboard Era. Yet the policy agenda of the GOP remains based on securing even more for those at the top while cutting social programs that provide triage for a battered Main Street. Since this is not a winning platform for elections, there has to be a lot of C.

One of the greatest bringers of the C, the Reverend Rick Santorum, deviated from his sweater-vested pulpit proselytizing to show his wilder side. Before he was escorted off the stage, Santorum was in the throes of reliving an intimate moment held in a bathroom stall at a gay bar. While there was no mention of his namesake, the frothy smell weighed heavily in the air.

Attendees of the conference left wondering if the C in CPAC stands for crazy, circus clown or cognitive dissonance, but most agreed that conservative, it was not.

WASHINGTON- @JBoehner called an emergency twitter hashtag immediately after @McCain tweeted a joke wherein Iranian leader @MahmoudAhmadinejad was compared to a monkey. The joke sparked accusations of #racism from fellow Republican and the tweet “Ask @CindyMcCain how she liked my banana” from @MahmoudAhmadinejad. At which point @McCain tweeted “@GOP Funny, didn’t see no complaining when racists were running ads and voting for me” and “@MahmoudAhmadinejad My girl likes her bananas hard and yellow not brown and soggy. #burn”.

In the GOP #strategydiscussion, Boehner demanded that “stringent control of #syntax and #rhetoric be “second only to our tight regulation of #loosevaginas”. Expressing concern that tweets and sound bites, when taken out of context, might give the impression that some conservatives support oppression of women, the poor, and minorities. Following the meeting, a chastened McCain called live press conference in which he apologized to his colleagues and promised to “…support the party’s commitment to pay lip service to the appearance of seeming like we’re somewhat trying to maybe advance equality while usurping control of women’s bodies, drug testing the working poor as a prerequisite to government assistance, and interrogating anyone with brown skin and a Latin accent.”

Threat Level: 11

Though many remain skeptical that meteors and other scientific phenomena exist, meteors are now starting to make their impact felt. In Russia, their recent display of wanton force and destruction injured more than 1,000 communists, destroying government property. Though Pentagon sources claim to be “thrilled” that this time the meteoric destruction rained down on the “Red Menace” of the 1980s, the meteors are getting through to other parts of the globe, including North America. It’s even been suggested that they were behind ending the “dinosaurs.”

“It’s not like a targeted, precision-skilled drone attack, this is just mayhem,” said one Intel source. “If this keeps up we’re going to have to launch a war on heaven.” Already an exploratory committee is evaluating the indiscriminate catastrophes being waged by Nature, and whether they must be stopped at all costs, or at minimum controlled. Till then, with the lowered ozone protection and willfully destructive randomness of the average meteor’s habits, check your window often because one may soon be in your room.

Local- Tired of the bar scene, long-time bachelorette Cindy Matthews has reportedly ordered a vodka and Redbull and is expected to make a full recovery. As most people her age are divorced with children by now, the twenty-something became momentarily lethargic at approximately 5:13 am EST. Friends grew concerned as she stumbled off the dance floor expressing a need to “settle down” into a chair for a moment. Matthews could not be reached for a coherent comment.

VATICAN CITY – The Catholic Church has announced the selection of their new leader, Pope Francis. The Pope, the first from South America, was runner up in 2005. Many rejoiced over the election of Pope Francis, however some fear the idea of having a man who claims, ‘Can talk to God.’ The Church admits they were aware of this claim and has said the Pope will seek counseling on the “voices.”

NEW ORLEANS, LA – “If you’re going to trade sex for money, the public has to be able to watch,” explained Judge Mathews during the initial hearing for Shay Marie. Shay is a 22 year old sex worker arrested during a sting operation outside a New Orleans Super Bowl party. The state prosecutor alleged that the only individual who could enjoy her performance would have been the undercover cop, had he gone forward with the transaction. “Let the record show that Ms. Marie intended to perform illicit actions in exchange for money and there was no video, no jpegs, no live-stream, not even an erotica blog post with some audio and a few animated gifs involved. Nothing to legitimize her professional sex work through mass distribution and recurring voyeur enjoyment”, the prosecutor argued. Shay Marie pled guilty to ‘intent to have sex for money and not letting everybody watch’ the max penalty for which is $500 or six months in jail.

Local- After decades selling the image of a man that no customers were alive to remember, the t-shirt industry is shaken by the death of a fatter, less attractive Latin leader. “There’s a heated debated in the hipster community over which is more ironic: a t-shirt depicting a recently deceased dictator and the words ‘The Real Hugo Boss’ or just bedazzling their old Che instead”, explained one fashion expert. T-shirt manufacturers saw overwhelming influx of hipster traffic following Chavez’s death; but rather than make purchases the visitors just drank coffee and invited others to pass them in line. Apparently, no hipster wants to be the first one to actually purchase a newly produced item of clothing that’s never been previously worn or donated to the homeless. A Chavez tee is a clear give away of having done that.

United States – The majority of citizens in the U.S. called in sick to work today. Authorities believe  this epidemic was caused when many Americans began to feel ill after realizing they were in agreement with Rand Paul on a political issue. Due to the  lack of employees showing up and with literally no work getting done today, President Obama has declared today, National Congress Day. The CDC is investigating the matter to make sure this “ill feeling” doesn’t spread to a full on “siding with Rand on everything.”

By Matt Stickles

Caracas, Venezuela- Hugo Chavez’s own body shocked the world today by overthrowing him in a long and painful revolt.

“We, the internal organs, are tired of being pushed around by Chavez’s brain,” announced the Venezuelan President’s respiratory system, “we have no allegiance to him or his oppressive and unhealthy habits. Therefore, we hereby remove ourselves from his fascist sovereignty. It is time that the tyrannical Central Nervous System realizes that without us, it has no chance of survival.”

Dr. Johann Van Strussledorf, Chief Physician of South America for the World Health Organization, showed concern for the well being of Hugo Chavez in a press conference when he stated, “It is next to impossible for the body to survive without the internal organs working. Though the World Health Organization does condemn Hugo Chavez’s dietary habits and lack of exercise as abusive to his organs, we fear that this sudden revolt will ultimately lead to the death of his body as a whole.”

Dear Editor,

I kindly ask that you and all your affiliate news agencies retract the report “Cross-Dressing Priest Arrested for Dealing Meth”. Although the story accurately portrays the real-life event, the occurence was just a refrigerator magnet poem I drafted while drunk and blind-folded. I erroneously launched it to life without proof-reading, as evidenced by the ludicrous developments. Thank you for your cooperation.

-God

LOS ANGELES – Fresh off her Oscar win on Sunday, actress Jennifer Lawrence was spotted leaving the San Diego Zoo covered in blood. In what appears to be a drunk celebration of her win, Lawrence hopped the fence of the Panda Exhibit and bit the head off the youngest cub. After removing the head of the baby Panda, Lawrence stopped to pose for pictures adorably cuddling the carcass of the now deceased Panda. When asked to comment on her actions, Lawrence said, “I just really like The Amazing Panda Adventure, so I thought I would have my own. They don’t eat them in the movie though, that would have been weird. It was a Disney movie after all.”

Dear Washington Fancy,

As a loyal reader I have enjoyed your incisive and courageous reporting for years but every now and then you run an article that seems a little far-fetched. That’s not to say that Harry Reid, John Boehner and Nancy Pelosi in a threesome doesn’t have a certain appeal.

P. Ervert

Lurking, DC

SOUTH AFRICA – A judge announced this morning, Oscar Pistorius has been cleared for bail. Pistorius, who was on trial for the murder of his girlfriend was relieved to not be found guilty and says he will share his side of the story in a new book. It’s no doubt Pistorius story is unique, however he plans on writing a new dating book based on this specific situation in hopes it will help other couples that are at a similar point in their relationship . The book, which is titled, How to get rid of the baggage and make it look like an accident, is set to hit shelves late in 2013.

After a month-long poll, Hasbro announced last week that it will be replacing its classic iron game piece with a more current icon: a cat. The new piece is Hasbro’s attempt to keep up with the modern woman, who no longer irons but sure loves her cat, especially when it curls on her lap while she watches a video of another cat on YouTube. The new piece was chosen via an online vote and beat out several other contenders, such as an oversized Starbucks latte and Spanx. Hasbro also announced that in addition to the new cat piece, the game will also have updated official rules that state every time the cat passes ‘Go’ it will earn 77% of whatever the racecar makes. The cat will make its feline debut in games later this year.

WASHINGTON – Using an arcane legislative maneuver, a single republican senator has placed a hold on the remainder of President Obama’s second term. Senator Lindsey Graham {R-SC) explained his decision stating, “Nothing gets done in this country until I get more answers on Benghazi”. When informed of the consequences of his actions Graham responded,” I’ll let this country descend into chaos and civil war if that’s what it takes to embarrass the democrats one last time on this issue”. A White House spokesman stated that the President will be leaving for an extended vacation in Hawaii, as he has no plans to comply with Graham’s request. Congress has adjourned indefinitely, so there is some good news to report.

Dear Sirs,

Tell those goombahs in Congress who voted against Sandy relief that they best not show their faces in Jersey. I don’t want to play the heavy but I was a sumo wrestling champ in college.

Gov. Chris Christie

Begging for money

ROME – Pope Benedict XVI announced early this morning he would be resigning his position and retiring. The move comes as a surprise to many, but in a statement released by the Catholic Church, the Pope resigned due to Lent. “The Pope felt with Lent starting tomorrow, he should give up his biggest cause of guilt, and thus has announced his retirement,” a spokesman for the Catholic Church stated.  No word on who the new Pope will be, however the Catholic Church plans on naming their nominations in the coming days.

WASHINGTON – President Obama is preparing to issue an executive order directing the use of predator drones to confiscate and destroy every gun in America, according to  The Drudge Report. The drones would then be programmed to locate and burn every Bible in the country.  The story by Drudge has been independently confirmed by Fox News, Rush Limbaugh and republican congressmen up for election in tea party districts. The report concludes that Bibles will be replaced by Korans and Obama will simultaneously impose sharia and martial law, thereby enslaving the populace. Gun stores are seeing a run on 90 caliber shells and ground-to-air missiles are selling out on craigslist. The NRA is recommending that citizens liquidate their assets and stock up on every kind of gun they can possibly afford to buy. The Drudge Report continues to insist that this will all happen very soon.

WASHINGTON – The United States Postal Service announced Thursday that it would no longer deliver mail on Saturdays, ending an historic prohibition on Jewish mailcarriers. Members of the Jewish faith are prohibited from working on Saturdays, as per the customs of the Sabbath. Postmaster General Patrick Donahoe announced yesterday plans to end weekend delivery, as “the times have changed, and we feel it has become necessary to welcome the Jewish members of our community into the world of mail delivery”. The move, which is expected to save 2 billion dollars in the coming fiscal year, removes one of the last remaining barriers to equal opportunity in America.

WASHINGTON - The Senate passed a bill last Thursday that extended the government’s ability to borrow money through mid-May. Elated by the news, the Senate celebrated the extra borrowing time by ordering everyone a round of tequila shots and charging it to their open tab, totally promising to pay it off before May. Still in a tequila-infused haze, the Senate took to Amazon.com and ordered packs of rare Topps baseball trading cards, Twisted Sister’s “Big Hits And Nasty Cuts,” and in a guilty pleasure move, the film “Pitch Perfect.” When confronted about their recent purchasing history on the latest bill, the Senate denied all allegations, seeming to have no memory of the purchases, but promised they are looking into the matter.

Threat Level-9

The cotton, lycra, and spandex industries are stretched to capacity by the expanding American waistline, as Americans consistently incorporate leggings, jeggings, and maternity “skinny jeans”  into business-casual and even black-tie affair attire. The stretchy denim-spandex blend, best suited for hiding any signs of weight-gain, is destroying the fabric of society. Americans will never have incentive to lift a foot to their dusty treadmills as their increasingly forgiving wardrobes lead them blindly down the path of self-destruction.

WASHINGTON – In preparation for a busy baseball season, chemists, pharmacists and drug company reps reported for spring training in Miami today. Anticipating another banner year, the team warmed up this morning by fielding questions from players and throwing around free samples. This afternoon they got right to work on the fundamentals: pitching new products and catching up with the rookies. They were shut out in their exhibition opener, failing to score any new recruits, but vowed to muscle up and play with more rage next time.

WASHINGTON – The leader of Al Qaeda announced today that they will cease operations against the United States, stating that, “Americans are killing each other much faster than we could ever hope to do ourselves”. Citing US homicide statistics, Ayman al Zawahiri voiced his frustration over the terror group’s efforts to keep up with the rate of gun violence in America. “We can no longer justify the expense of jihad against the United States. Our efforts amount to just a drop in the bucket compared to the murder and violence going on there already. Instead we will secretly fund the NRA, Republican congressmen , and inner city gangs to facilitate the continued circulation of firearms in the country. This should ensure the eventual extinction of the infidels”. Al Zawahiri could not be coaxed out of his rat hole for further comment.

WASHINGTON – The Department of Health Services reported Monday that Immigration reforms proposed last week would cause a massive spike in the average American’s ability to run and work for prolonged amounts of time. The legal recognition of America’s 11 million undocumented and able-bodied immigrants could almost double the AAC (Average Aerobic Capacity) of the nation. At present, the average American can run for just under 2 minutes before collapsing out of sheer exhaustion. With the incorporation of the immigrants, many of whom entered the country via sheer athletic ability, that average could jump to just under 4 minutes of sustained aerobic activity. “The incorporation of these mentally and physically alert Americans in the data pool is frankly astounding,” stated DHS spokeswoman Janet Riehl. “They seem to be motivated by some sense of responsibility for their own well-being, which is otherwise entirely absent from the American population.”

 Threat Level 4—Each year as February rolls in, grocery stores begin to blush— its Valentines Day.  Every store lines their isles with those cute little red boxes, heart shaped chocolate delights, and all that common candy cleverly disguises itself in pink cellophane.  These isles are a danger, a cruel temptation for those who are already satiating their “sweetieless” lives with such sinful caloric pleasures.  Candy companies are taking advantage of those left solo on Valentines Day.  Nobody good looking enough to have a significant other, let a lone to have a date on Valentines Day, is eating that stuff.  Sure, we jokingly call our lonely sweet indulging American’s extra meat “love handles,” but that certainly doesn’t mean their getting any loving.  The only folks naïve enough to think that a red candy box of high fructose corn syrup will snag a lover are doomed to dine a lone, devouring each chocolate morsel in shame. This “candy con” will be the death of our nation:  making the lonely, depressed, and overweight more overweight and therefore more lonely and more depressed,  and causing suicide rates to sky rocket.  We must boycott the candy isle before the viscous cycle continues.

Dear Washington Fancy,

I just arrived here in the US from my native country of Mongolia and I see you run your government the same way we do.

Sincerest sympathies,

A. Mongolian

LOS ANGELES, CA – The Los Angeles Police Department announced early today they will be using a new investigation method in terms of finding wanted criminals. The new plan referred to as, “Guess Who,” is based off the popular board game from the 1980’s. The new method, which went into affect this morning, will allow for cops to just guess who they think the suspect is and shoot them if they think they have the right person. As of this morning the LAPD have shot 14 pedestrians and 1 Charlie Chaplin look-a-like.

A day after two Puppy Bowl athletes and a coach were sentenced to be transferred to a “Kill Only” shelter, one of the dogs, Jeff, never showed. Following a routine traffic stop near Tyson’s Corner, Virginia, Jeff, one of the coaches of Puppy Bowl IX, jumped out the car and began running for freedom. An officer chased down the dog just a half-mile from the Japanese embassy in Washington D.C. Jeff’s lawyer has said that the dog is now cooperating with officials, that the actual PED mastermind remains at large, and that he is willing to “name names” in exchange for clemency.

No word on whether the IPSA will tighten their sentencing on Jeff after he tried to escape, however many believe they will continue with their original ruling of “no option for adoption.”

You can follow updates on this story on twitter @washingtonfancy

WASHINGTON – The International Puppy Sports Alliance(IPSA) has announced their ruling in the case against two players and one coach in the Puppy Bowl. The IPSA has decided to ban all three dogs from the Puppy Bowl, and sentenced them to live in a “Kill-Only” shelter with a ban on being adopted. Monday it was first reported that allegations against two dogs using illegally banned substances that enhance “the cute factor” were used during the Puppy Bowl. A investigation by the IPSA lead to the discovery of two dogs, Oscar and Delilah, and revealed them to be the users. The illegally banned “cute enhancing” products were provided by coach and famous crossbreed, Jeff. He is a Bulldog and Chihuahua mix, any many believe his Hispanic roots may have led to the illegal substance problem.

Oscar, Delilah, and Jeff are officially scheduled to be placed in a “Kill-Only” shelter tomorrow afternoon.

Follow updates to this story on twitter @washingtonfancy

Initial statements by a former intern suggest that two dogs are currently being investigated by the IPSA for using banned substances, but the athletes are not rolling over in regard to the allegations. The first is Delilah, a 13-week old terrier who thinks “Rin Tin Tin is Hot,” according to the dog’s gameday profile. Delilah has allegedly been using a banned hairspray that makes the dog appear even cuter than possible, says scientist and independent canine consultant, Check Arrington. An intern who was working on shots with the “Super Slo-Mo Cute Cam” noticed that Delilah in the background of a shot spraying herself with No Ruff-els, a known banned hairspray by the IPSA. When Asked how she was taking the news during Puppy Bowl IX, simply shook simply shook her head and said, “Ruff.” Game MVP and known show stealer, Oscar, the most famed beagle, is believed to be the second of the users of a banned substance. At this time authorities from the IPSA are still investigating this matter, but they believe Oscar and Delilah may have been sharing products they both received from another tail wagger.

We will be updating this post as more news breaks on the Puppy Bowl Controversy. You can also follow updates on twitter @washingtonfancy

By J.S. Garner

NEW YORK, NY – Jaws dropped today after a report on Fox News turned out to be true. There was no misrepresentation of the facts and the report appeared to contain no right-wing bias. In a first for Fox, there were no disparaging remarks made against President Obama, liberals or democrats in general and there was no conservative editorializing within the story. The Fancy has obtained a transcript of the report and an excerpt appears below:

It will be mostly cloudy and chilly this morning with showers and storms in the afternoon. High 46, Lows in the 30’s.

By Matt Stickles

There is an increasing amount of Irish immigrants flooding America’s shores, similar to the way flies flock to the flesh of the dead. These “people,” if you want to call them that, are known across Europe as lazy drinkers and unable to accept the civilized ways of modern man. Worst of all they are Catholics, more loyal to the Pope in Rome than to our nation and all she stands for. Some say these mindless cretins may serve as an excellent unskilled labor force, as they lack the intelligence to attempt unionization, but at what cost? These animals will reproduce at an astounding rate and sooner rather than later our streets will be filled with the filth Europe has thrown to us. The Irish horde will be the end to the great and free America we all call home. Just as they were the problem of our English cousins, they will now be our burden to bear.

By: Theodore Lost

7:48 AM – Reports out of Silver Spring, Maryland, just seven miles north of Washington D.C., indicate that two leading athletes used performance-enhancing substances during the filming of Puppy Bowl IX. Puppy Bowl, which was played on Sunday, is officially over but it seems that the production unit has been spending three and a half weeks covering up the news that two of its star athletes used two substances banned by the International Puppy Sports Alliance (IPSA). Among the accused are potential MVP and known shoe stealer, Oscar, a young beagle and Delilah, a thirteen-week old terror.

Though producers of the event deny the existence of these substances, more sources are stepping forward to shine some light over the brewing controversy.

You can follow updates on this post @washingtonfancy on twitter.

Dear Sirs,

I heard you were hiring writers for your publication. Please see attached resume as it appears I will be losing yet another job soon.

US Manufacturing Worker,

Rust Belt, USA

By Steven Tobiasz

CLEVELAND, OH – Laticia Anderson, local convenience store cashier, was spotted at work paying no attention to customers in line as she rang them up. People close to the situation claim Anderson was more occupied with talking to other employees about her weekend, than dealing with any of them. When one customer presented a coupon to Anderson, she apparently began to speak louder and in a more agitated tone. According to her boss, Laticia is known for talking a lot on the job and having to ask customers multiple times if they want the receipt in the bag on the account of them not being able to understand her.

By Brandon J. Weichert

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Washington has had a spending problem for the last twenty years or so, according to many political pundits. To critics of the large federal bureaucracy, they find it to be wasteful. At one time or another, it has been claimed that organizations like the Pentagon have spent “$400 on a toilet and $1,000 on a jackhammer” that they never used and never needed. Well, for one office in the federal government, this could not be farther from the truth.

The office of the Vice-President has apparently been stealing and hoarding office supplies for the better part of three months now. When asked, a chief Biden adviser stated, “For years now, the President’s office has sought to seriously downplay VPOTUS’ contribution to the administration. The first few months in office, President Obama’s people played a prank on us by locking us out of our offices, just to prove that the country could survive without our office working. We spent a whole week going to various Biker bars in Virginia, just so the Vice-President could get ‘funny shots’ of him with those ‘dike biker chicks’ instead of doing actual governing.” Explained the aid.

“Many of our constituents have been aggravated that we in the Obama Administration aren’t getting enough legislation done…” began one unnamed staffer for the White House, “We can’t tell them that the reason POTUS has been so limited in his ability to create new legislation is because someone keeps walking off with the White House’s pens, papers—even our computers and printers have been disappearing!” The staffer added.

Among the stolen items was David Axelrod’s favorite mustache brush, which according to the Obama staffer, is why Axelrod has not made any public appearances since the President’s reelection. “He looks like a Tribble from Star Trek nested on his upper lip.” Explained the staffer with a horrified look upon his face.

Vice-President Joe Biden, known for being somewhat of a colorful and offbeat character on his normal days, has been especially erratic as of late. “He’s worried that with sequestration going into effect, his office is going to bear the brunt of the upcoming budget cuts.” Explained a senior Biden adviser. “We’ve already had to downsize our staff to just myself and Thug Life, the Vice-President’s favorite black cat.”

The discovery of Biden as the culprit of the immense theft of White House office supplies came to a head after the president’s resolute desk in the Oval Office simply disappeared on inauguration night. An entire FBI and Secret Service investigation was launched to determine how the security breach occurred.

It wasn’t until the President himself stopped by Vice-President Biden’s office at the Old Executive Office Building for an impromptu meeting, that he soon discovered the endless boxes of missing White House-labeled paper, pens, M&Ms, office supplies, and of course, his desk. Even a group of President Obama’s interns were found locked away and stuffed in one of the supply closets (it was assumed that they had all transferred to either West Coast or State colleges)!

When confronted, the Vice-President insisted that the desk was a knock-off that he found in one of former Vice-President Cheney’s bunkers. After a few tense words, according to several Secret Service agents in the room, a standoff between President Obama’s Secret Service detail and Vice-President Biden’s Secret Service detail occurred, “just like in the Denzel Washington and Gene Hackman film Crimson Tide.”

According to one former Biden staffer in the room, Biden pulled out one of the president’s stolen pens, held it to the neck of the staffer, and threatened to kill the aide if he followed through on the president’s orders to call in the maintenance crews to move the stolen equipment and the desk back to the Oval Office. Biden had to be talked down by Obama, who apparently invoked the exact same speech that Denzel Washington gave to Gene Hackman at the end of Crimson Tide, to prevent Hackman from firing the nuclear missiles.

“It was all a very strange, and sordid affair.” Added the chief of Obama’s Secret Service detail.

Investigators into the matter have determined that the Vice-President was selling the office supplies to better pay for his upcoming hair plug treatments and the giant play room he was building in former Vice-President Cheney’s bunker for his cat, Thug Life.

By J. Garner

WASHINGTON – The Boeing Company announced today that sales of the new Dreamliner 787 have exploded, leaving the charred competition in ashes. Sales of 787 parts are on fire, most notably their new lithium-ion batteries that have recently blasted onto the scene.  Passengers can expect to be blown away by this explosive new technology which is destined to set the airline industry aflame. Amenities on the Dreamliner include free foot warmers and complimentary evacuation slides on every flight. Top executives insist they will continue to produce red-hot products well into the future, lighting the fuse on Boeing’s next great era of innovation.

By Dale C. Anthony

Geneva- The United Nations submitted its report to the Human Rights Council on Thursday confirming what everyone already knew- that Israel’s policy of building settlements on Palestinian territory “as it darn well pleases” represents a “dick move” and that the Israeli government is “independent statehood cock-blocking like straight-up hatters”, to quote the report. Christine Chanet, who led the panel, reportedly accused the Israeli government of “actin’ real shady” during the probe which was initiated last March. In reference to Palestine, which was recognized as a nonmember state late last year, the United Nations, in a joint statement, affirmed that “real recognize real” and that it would “have Palestine’s back” if its leaders chose to advance war crimes complaints against Israel before the Hague-based International Criminal Court.

By Dale C. Anthony

Studies show that the number of people who have already lost interest in this sentence has increased by 24%. At this point, 100% of respondents have discarded their 5th unfinished project and are excitedly shopping for model airplane parts online. At press time, this reporter has even bored himself.

By Dale C. Anthony

New York- Class War reinactors on Wall Street to create a romanticized portrayal of the historic Occupy movement. No mildly schizoid conspiracy theorists, opportunistic singer/song-writers, or bonefide crazies were represented among the peaceful gathering of people portraying well-informed working-class workers and students petitioning the government for a series of well-defined demands. “We honor our distant past by ensuring accuracy” said a man in costume as a Wall Street exec, donning a tuxedo and devil’s horns.

By Kersten Haile

Threat level 5

American gluttons for pleasure are elated with the new birth control mandate—no more pricey pills, no more unplanned pregnancies, no more Octomom. Sounds like its time for a protected group orgy!   However, it seems Mr. Obama never took the chance to think about the repercussions of his mandate. Popping those egg eliminating poison pills like Pez Candy, will nearly eliminate orphans from America’s map. Now, part of a President’s duty is to defend our status as a Super Power, such a status requires military man power.  Is Mr. Obama expecting a generation of well loved, fully fed, funded, and nurtured children to grow up and fight for freedom?  They won’t fight for a thing in their life, why start at 18?  How are we supposed to compete with the rapidly expanding People’s Republic of China with an Army doomed to be the size of a private school classroom?  This isn’t about the well-being of our children, this is about America, and now China has an even bigger leg up (they were already beating us).  Ladies, fulfill your civic duty, just say no to pill popping.

By J. S. Garner

WASHINGTON    The monkey that Iran had launched into space on Monday will not return to the Islamic republic and has instead asked for asylum in the US. Using the keyboard on his computer, Muhammed  the Monkey blasted the Ayatollah Khameinis’ hard line policies and his nuclear ambitions writing, “I wil not go bak to a cuntry that supreses the peeple and eets munkee branes. They can kis mi munkee asss”. Iran responded by issuing a fatwa calling for the chimps’ assassination. US officials have granted sanctuary to Mohammed on the condition that he divulges all the information he knows about Iran’s nuclear and missile technology, and refrains from throwing his feces around.

By Rachel Kolman

In attempts to create ads with a more lasting effect, name brands such as Coca-Cola and Taco Bell are now packaging flu symptoms into their 30-second spots during Sunday’s Super Bowl game. Most companies have chosen to promote their ads by teasing clips on the Internet or having viewers at home vote on an ending. However, these larger name brands are searching for a more unique approach to the “viral” Super Bowl ad. While a good viral clip may be passed around an office like a box of candy, it’s far less lingering than three to five days of a slight fever and muscle ache. Now consumers can wearily yearn for these products while using up their remaining sick days, unable to get the imagine of a dewy can of Coca-Cola out of their muddled minds.

By J.S. Garner

U.S. – In the wake of a string of mass shootings, local schools are holding coordinated bake sales and car washes this weekend to raise money for assault rifles, armor piercing bullets and barbed wire fences. In addition, school administrators are requesting more funding for drone surveillance and embedded machine gun nests in order to thwart the next attack. “It wouldn’t hurt to have a tank or armored vehicle at every school in the district either”, according to a school official, who is also requesting a platoon of Marines to guard each building. “Once a force is in place, we can then go on the offensive and hunt down and kill any potential threats in the community, so come on out and buy some delicious cookies”.

By Rachel Kolman

UNITED STATES – In a baffling meteorological phenomenon, residents in many Midwest and Northeast States are experiencing a rare weather pattern tentatively being referred to as “winter.” This “winter” folly is being described by many as “cold, unnatural, and sucky.” Many Americans have braced themselves for the strange weather by layering scarves, sleeping until noon, and complaining on the Internet. While there’s been no official explanation from the National Weather Service on what could have caused this occurrence, many have already started on theories of their own. “I remember experiencing a similar weather phase at exactly this time last year,” a community college student in Ohio said. “So it can’t just be some freaky coincidence, right?”