By James Shea WASHINGTON — With only 21 more days until its conclusion, fans of the fast-paced legislative branch, Congress, are buzzing about the show’s season finale, which features House Speaker John Boehner seemingly deadlocked in a life-or-death political fight with rival President Barack Obama. The cliffhanger, which the series has presented as an actual [...]
THE ILIAD By Boehner BOOK I SING, O ROMNEY, the anger of Newt Gingrich, husband of Jackie, no-no, Marianne, wait-wait, Callista, that brought countless ills upon the Republicans. Many a brave pollster did he send hurrying down to Georgia and South Carolina, and many a hero sandwich did they prey upon, like dogs and [...]
By Jahs WASHINGTON — In lieu of Democratic rhetoric and the media deeming Republicans at war with women, females have abstained from sex with conservative representatives, talk-show hosts, and satire writers. Polls show women are winning this war. With the declaration of a ceasefire for conjugal visits by the House leadership, everyone is now free to vote [...]
By Garrett Baldwin LONDON — Speaker of the House John Boehner is recovering after sustaining injuries at Heathrow International Airport after British Customs agents thought he was an illegal produce import that had mutated on the plane and taken on human characteristics. “Holy [expletive]!” screamed Nigel Austin, 23, upon seeing Boehner in the Customs line. [...]
By Eric Kean WASHINGTON — Proposals to introduce ‘feng shui’ based market reforms have gained widespread support in congress, following a two week debate on reestablishing stability within the US economy. Devised in early January by Representative Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), the bill is now receiving backing by prominent Republican leaders John Boehner (R-OH) and Eric [...]
By Kenny Heidt WASHINGTON — Before Obama’s State of the Union Address last night, Speaker of the House John Boehner accidentally let the Republican electoral cat out of the bag by admitting to the press that their huge cuts to education were part of a strategy to purposely make Americans dumber. He told the press, [...]
WASHINGTON – Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) has announced this morning that he has abandoned his previous political beliefs and become a liberal Democrat after viewing a television ad run by the liberal group MoveOn.org and bawling his eyes out. Boehner was eating breakfast in his Washington residence when he first saw the [...]
By Kenny Heidt WASHINGTON—Proving that bipartisanship is not dead in the House of Representatives, Speaker John Boehner cut the ribbon at the opening of the new women’s bathroom on the House floor this past week. The bathroom represents the first women’s bathroom on the floor of the House since its creation. Speaker Boehner said, “It’s [...]
NEW YORK—After a controversial downgrade of the United States debt from AAA to AA+ this past August, the S&P announced it has officially downgraded Speaker of the House John Boehner’s tan quality from SB (Supremely Bronze) to AAT (Above Average Tan). Specific details regarding this decision continue to emerge, but it has been established that [...]
WASHINGTON—Since the 2008 presidential election, the divide between the two major political parties in the United States of America has grown deeper. Partisan bickering and verbal attacks have become commonplace in all corners of government. However, as a new method to break the tension, the first ever session of congressional “Show and Tell” was an incredible [...]
WASHINGTON — On Tuesday, the House of Representatives made a series of cuts to lavish spending on Congressional benefits: first up, intramural sports among the office staffs. The House saved $136,600 by eliminating uniforms, rubber balls and other equipment needed for the Hill’s highly competitive intramural sports leagues, which include softball, flag football, and floor [...]
NEW YORK — In the city so nice they named it twice, revelers and lawmakers gathered to put on their bathrobes, drink Caucasians, and get them a rug that ties the room together. The Coen Brothers cult classic drew notables such as Jeff Bridges, John Goodman and John Boehner to an exclusive party and screening [...]
WASHINGTON – House Majority Leader John Boehner stood up for Republican initiatives yesterday and marched proudly around the Capitol after passing his new debt ceiling plan. When asked why, he told The Washington Fancy, “These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do.” It was unclear whether one of these days these [...]
WASHINGTON — Facing the approaching deadline for raising the debt ceiling, President Obama and key members of Congress vowed Sunday to continue holding round-the-clock negotiations — after catching up on their Netflix DVDs, updating their Facebook profiles, and napping. “It’s highly critically we reach a settlement on raising the debt ceiling,” Obama said. “But let [...]
WASHINGTON — Speaker of the House John Boehner stormed out of a Dupont Circle tanning salon on Monday after discovering that his tanning fees had been taxed 10 percent by Congress. “What the hell is this all about?” screamed Boehner at the corner of 16th and P St. NW. “I just found out that Obamacare [...]
WASHINGTON — House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) and Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA) have finally agreed to seek professional help to save their failing marriage after debt talks threaten to push them even further apart. Cantor claims that Boehner cheated on him with President Obama, and was furious that the two had gone out golfing [...]
WASHINGTON, DC – Reacting to a series of embarrassing photos of shirtless Republican congressmen, Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) announced today that all congressmen of his party will now be required to include a bare-chested photo alongside their official office portraits. “For far too long, the image of a Republican member of Congress [...]
WASHINGTON — President Obama and Speaker of the House John Boehner have agreed to settle the budget talks themselves by staging a nationally televised dance-off and allowing the winner to make a decision. White House sources confirmed that last Sunday, President Obama and Speaker Boehner, met for a champagne brunch followed by a nondescript dance [...]